Funny stuff from all around!

Suicide Help A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf." The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all." The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The son-of-a-guns never bring 'em back!" Calling In Sick The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him. Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability. The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row. Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week. The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday." Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long." "Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!" Man says, "I *told* you I was sick." ====================================================================== Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95. ====================================================================== #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision. #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I sayagain, divert YOUR course. #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. #1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! #2: This is a lighthouse. Your call. GOOD HUMOR - BAD ADS 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. TOP TEN LIST: Top Ten ways the Bible would have been different if written by college students. 10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips 9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. 8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food. 7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans. 6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. 5). The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals. 4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere. 3). Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman. 2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. 1). Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed. QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happens from time to time." John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it." Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest." Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." Elephant Jokes Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside? A: An inside out elephant. Q: What is grey and not there. A: No elephants. Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled? A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins. Q: Why are elephants wrinkled? A: Have you ever tried to iron one? Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats? A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved. Q: How many legs does an elephant have? A: Four, two in the front, two in the back. Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge? A: You can hear Tarzan scream: "OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO!!!" Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge? A: You can't, silly, there is only one Tarzan! Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? A: Tarzans fridge is not large enough to hold them all. Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge? A: Depends on the number of elephants. Q. What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? A. Optimistic! Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? A. Free Parking. Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into work? A. Sole use of the elevator. Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree? A: It doesn't, you get down from a duck. Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree? A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Bloody great holes all over Australia. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals? A: So that they don't sink in the sand. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill." Q: What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill? A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them. Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock? A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping. Q: What is a furry alligator? A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? A: No? Well, it must work then. Originally from: PHIL SWISHER in Fidonet Funny On the next tee, they hear another phone. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone." The people are impressed and move on. On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stands up tall and says "OK sell the company now." He loosens up and tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing. As the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with his pants around his legs and squatting as if to take a dump. "Oh, we're sorry" the American executive exclaims, "we'll leave you alone." "That's OK," the Japanese executive says "I'm just waiting for a fax." Better than on the dashboard! Net News - The vatican has no gone on line with its own interactive website. The site is said to offer many great new features including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of time. It has been christened the 'screen saviour'........ THE TOP 17 SIGNS YOU'RE THE REINCARNATION OF SOMEONE FAMOUS 17. Working on your back under the car, you get the sudden urge to paint a church. 16. Same thing every morning: wake up, brush teeth, carve "SID" into your chest with a razor blade. 15. You can actually sing Bohemian Rhapsody without sounding like a complete idiot. 14. When your boss criticizes your sales projection figures, you hack off your ear. 13. Disqualified during Swim Suit Competition for smoking cigar and wiggling eyebrows at other contestants. 12. You've got Bette Davis eyes. 11. Can't understand why a fine physician like yourself is being sued for applying leeches to a patient. 10. Century after century, you find Shirley MacLaine consistently annoying. 9. Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, but you love her singing voice. 8. Whenever you get sick, it's always a rockin' pneumonia or a boogie-woogie flu. 7. In preparation for Hurricane Hortense, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbors' pets. 6. When you wake up in a puddle of your own overdose-induced vomit, you find yourself inexplicably crying out for Mr. French. 5. You cannot tell a lie. Regardless, you considering running for president. 4. Other scouts return from that first mountain hike with poison ivy; *you're* lugging tablets of inscribed stone. 3. You soil your pants every time you hear the words, "Little Bighorn." 2. Timmy is stuck in the old mine and all you can do is bark as your husband asks, "What is it, girl?!?" 1. That six-figure advance for your book, "I Was the Pelvis," buys a shitload of deep-fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] *ting-aa-ling* Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling* "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness." The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits. "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers." *Ting-a-ling* Lickalottapuss or CPR? A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked." Simple efficiency This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads." 10 Things You'll Probably Never Hear From a Debtor 10. I thought the bill you sent me was interesting and informative. 9. I hope we have the opportunity to work together again real soon. 8. I enclosed an extra $20. Go out and buy yourself something nice. 7. Are you SURE that's all I owe? 6. I got a huge raise today. Can I start making bigger payments? 5. Can I pay for this today? 4. It's so nice to hear from you again. 3. I just won $5,000 in the lottery yesterday. Can I just sign the check over to you to cover my bill? 2. I never realized surgery was so inexpensive. 1. You accept tips, don't you? Top 10 Debtors You Should Not Try To Collect From 10. President of the National Association of Explosives Experts. 9. The winner of an ternational kick-boxing championship. 8. Elvis. 7. Someone who makes you "an offer you can't refuse". 6. Disgruntled postal workers. 5. Anyone with the nickname "psycho". 4. Imaginary friends. 3. International terrorists. 2. Your landlord. 1. The chef at your favorite restaurant. Top 10 Excuses For Not Paying a Bill 10. I just spent all of my money on Lambada lessons. 9. The only stamps I have left are my Elvis stamps, and I'm not using those. 8. I'd write you a check, but my pen just ran out of ink. 7. All of my money is tied up in junk bonds and mutual funds. 6. Hey, I can't give moeny to EVERYONE who calls me. 5. My astrologer told me not to pay bills while Venus is in Capricorn. 4. My bank is closed until summer. 3. My bank is closed for the summer. 2. I made a payment LAST month. 1. I'm still waiting for Ed McMahon to stop by with my check. Top 10 Reasons For Not Responding To Collection Letters 10. It must have been written on that biodegradable paper because it disappeared before I had a chance to read it. 9. My dog ate it. 8. My husband ate it. 7. The mailbox rusted shut. 6. The postal workers in my neighborhood are on strike. 5. I couldn't read the letter because I accidentally stepped on my glasses on my way to the mailbox. 4. I wanted to call you about my bill, but my phone is always ringing so I can't place outgoing calls. 3. I read the letter, but I don't believe everything I read. 2. I tried to call you but no one answered after two rings so I gave up. 1. I'm not paying a dime until this whole health care reform thing is resolved. The dangers of cat doors: Proving again that truth can be stranger than fiction "In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that." Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there. People were passing by and , when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted." (Vancouver Sun, n.d. Spotter - Elizabeth Rushton) The Blue-bottle fly A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch". Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my paw and catch the salmon for my dinner". Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a trophy". Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket". Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the mouse". So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river. The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet pussy. IMPORTANT SYSTEM UPGRADE INFORMATION Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0. - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful. I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the two versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0 ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet. Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. Jesus and the Elves" And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that." Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies. With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes. Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said. What is Technical Harassment In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment. Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another person by accident. Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being technically harassed. If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be the victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to be asked the question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been identified of habitual technical harassment. Habitual technical harassment is not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies where members of a group may ask the same question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of group technical harassment can continue for years. If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and they do not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous. Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical answer for more than 30 seconds. If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three (3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note of caution, competent technical people have been known to inadvertently use buzzwords after reading mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use more common technical terms in the past such as "stuff" and "things", they are most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing. If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term "trick". For example "maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been updated". This is a sure sign of technical harassment. If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a vendor and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have definitely been technically harassed, if you don't believe them you have only been technically annoyed. If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the product you are being set up for technical harassment. It is a common reaction for a non-technical person when they have purchased technical equipment to call another non-technical person. The dialogue between two nontechnical people usually provides some sense of comfort that they aren't the only ones who are confused. (Unattributed, but its been around for a while.) Wauism - The Religion For You Dear Friendly Friend: How many times have you wanted to fill that yawning spiritual void in your life but just weren't able to find the time or the energy? How often have you wanted to form a more personal relationship with a Higher Authority but just couldn't get turned on by that same old tired selection of Supreme Beings? Haven't you ever wished there was just one religion out there that understood you, Friendly Friend, that indulged you, one that fit in with your creative, dynamic lifestyle? Well, at last, thanks to the Creators of Wauism, there is. Finally, there's a faith that works for you, Friendly Friend, instead of the other way around. After all these years, and following an in-depth market research study, Wauists Worldwide (A full-service non-profit agency not affiliated with CBS International) has come up with a religion that draws upon the best features of some of the world's most popular denominations, but goes them all far better! Yes, Friend, that's right! Wauism is everything some religions are and much, much more. It's not just a job, it's an adventure; it's a breath mint, and a candy mint; it's everything you always wanted in a God and less. Designed using the latest in CAR (Computer-Aided Religion) technology, here's just a few of the features Wauism offers: Guaranteed Salvation. Guaranteed. Other religions require you to behave a certain way in the here-and-now in order to make out in the hereafter; with Wauism, you can do whatever you want, because your salvation is guaranteed! Wauism realizes you've got enough to worry about in life without having to be nervous about where you're headed after you die, so relax! As a Wauist, death means never having to have said you're sorry. Whatever Heaven you want is yours; or if you'd rather just be dead, that's fine, too. Your Choice of Supreme Being. No more arguing about who's more all-powerful, Jesus or Mohammed, Buddha or Joseph Smith. Stop fighting about whether Allah could take The Holy Ghost in a wrestling match. End the endless bickering over whether the Supreme Deity is a He or a She. With Wauism, you can choose. Using the patented Godolyzer, you make God in your image. Combine Jesus' hairdo with Mother Nature's eyes. Add the musical flair of Krishna to the sexual swagger of Zoroaster. You want a Lord who's vengeful but also knows how to rock? No problem. Using the Godolyzer, with or without the templates provided, you make the call. Eat Whatever You Want. Remember fishsticks on Friday? Or how about unleavened bread? And who--try as they might--can forget "bitter herbs?" Well, now, thanks to Wauism, you can. As a Wauist, you'll never have to tongue another eucharist wafer off of your palate or nurse another hangover brought on from sacramental wine again. Glut your maw however you'd like, whenever you'd like. Eat all you want, just want all you take. More Efficient Commandments. Some religions take as many as Ten Commandments to lay down their laws. Wauism, using the latest in data-compression techniques, has significantly reduced the number of Commandments and has also managed to dramatically decrease their stringency. Think of them simply as a Couple of Suggestions, and if you'd rather not, hey, Friend, that's quite all right, too. No Sexual Taboos. Has anything turned more people away from the power above the heavens than the power below their waists? Wauism doesn't have the problem, because as a Wauist, you Friendly Friend, can stick or get stuck however you want with whom or whatever you want whenever or wherever you want. As long as no one gets hurt--or just if they want to--Wauism says have fun. And be safe. More and Better Holidays. Even the most fun-loving religions usually have only half a dozen or so major holidays a year. And often several of these are days of atonement or fasting. Wauism, on the other hand, features a full complement of 365 full-scale religious holidays a year! 366 for leap year. And all include presents and feasting. No Hazing Rituals. No hitting with sticks. No drenchings in water. No knives aimed at your privates. Need we say more? No Annual Fee. Because of low overhead (no Gothic cathedrals to keep up, no sacred texts to maintain, no Crusades to mount) Wauism is offered to you entirely free! A letter now and again would be nice, but hey, don't sweat it. 100% Compatibility. Wauism does not require you to change or upgrade any of your existing religious or sectarian beliefs. It is in no way mutually exclusive. You can be a Wauist and anything else you want, too--even Republican. Quit at Any Time. No forms to fill out, no messy dyes to spill, no one will call you. You can be a Wauist one day and something else the next. Change hourly if you'd like. By the second if you'd prefer. Or, be a Wauist forever. It's entirely up to you. So, there you have it, Friend, in a nutshell--a pistachio to be exact. With Wauism, you get all the plusses of other religions with none of the minuses. It's like having your cake and eating it, too. Heck, it's like owning the whole bakery! And because you, Friendly Friend, are who you are, and only sometimes somebody else, you have been selected to participate in this charter membership offer. As a Wauist, you'll enjoy the benefits of the world's only computer-designed faith as well as the peace of mind of knowing if the Armageddon does come, it's not your fault! So, join today and start receiving the benefits immediately. All you have to do is whatever you want. Make no phone calls unless you feel so inclined. Write no letters unless it strikes your fancy. Send no money, unless you want to. Be a Wauist or don't be. You are still surrounded in a cone of love. Sincerely, D.A. LeTang Wauist P.S. This offer never expires, relax and breathe deep. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ? Olive ? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them. Why doesn't Santa have any children ? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common ? They both have colored balls. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ? They both have ornamental balls. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town, and blow a few bucks. Why do birds fly south for the winter ? Because it's to far to walk. What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs. Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ? Because the snowblower was coming down the block. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. If by some occurence you find yourself falling of the CN Tower, Just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!" Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak! If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up behind his back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!" The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that they probably have their foot on the break. Hey, why not try the emergency break? Clinton's Injury Top Ten Ways President Clinton's Injury Has Changed His Life 10. Now sexually harassing nurses instead of secretaries 9. Has to take his daily gallon of gravy intravenously 8. Visiting dignitaries now asked to lend a hand during president's sponge bath 7. *Has* to remember to lock wheels on wheelchair before getting a lap dance 6. While doped up on painkillers, called Peter Jennings a "Fruity Canandian Bastard" 5. Had to postpone his three-day "summit" with the Spice Girls 4. Gets big laughs by calling his leg "as useless as Al Gore" 3. After accepting large donations from Indonesian businessmen, asks them to sign his cast 2. New pickup line: "How'd you like a ride on Wheelchair One?" 1. Two Words: Medical Marijuana Interesting stuff The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. No word in the English language rhymes with month. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. Cat's urine glows under a black light. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan" Liquor and sex always seem to go together, even in the writing of laws. Maryland prohibits the selling of condoms throughvendings machines in gas stations and stores-with one major exception. Prophylactics mat be dispensed by vending machines only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises"+ +Current author's note: probably the only place where people won't have the sense of mind to purchase one. In Texas, on one other than a registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the street or other public places." Not even Physicians! Anyone one who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severaly prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."# #Current author's note: If this law wasn't in place I can see street vendors competing with other vendors selling I love Texas T-shirts, chanting, "GET'EM HERE! CHEAP MEMORIES OF YOUR VISIT TO THE LONE STAR STATE, SHEIK CONDOMS WITH THE TEXAS FLAG EMBLAZONED!" Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practicioners and licensed pharmicists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on the wall where it can be seen by customers. Maine, on the other hand, licenses condom sellers, and the license must always be on public display. and finally, an old Connecticut law banished to use of condoms and all other contraceptive devices*. *current author's note: I wonder if they tried to get this amended to the constitution as well? Kids Say The Darndest Things* Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - One by-product of raising cattle is calves. - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. Last Thing a Man/Women Would Say The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say: 10) I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. 9) While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8) I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7) Her tits are just too big. 6) Sometimes I just want to be held. 5) That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody. 4) Sure I'd love to wear a condom. 3) We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 2) Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 1) I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions. THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY: 10 Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9 Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. 8 I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7 Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6 Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. 5 This diamond is way too big! 4 I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3 Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2 Does this make my butt look too small? 1 I'm wrong, you must be right again. TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE 39 HEAVEN'S GATE CYBERHEADS COMMITTED SUICIDE: 10. They were AOL subscribers. 9. Sure-fire way to avoid the Year 2000 Problem. 8. Alan Greenspan made an offhand comment questioning the "irrational exuberance" about Java. 7. It's the normal fallout from breaking up with a cyberslut. 6. They got a totally wicked flame letter from Bill. 5. They found out there was no real person named Dana Scully. 4. It wasn't suicide...it was the Ebola macro virus. 3. They realized that "Comet Hale-Bopp" is an anagram for "HTML be poop, Ace." 2. The aliens told them that no one in the 21st century uses the Web. 1. They're trying to spam God. I was told this as a true story. A woman called the phone company to check her phone line. It seems that her daughter complained that she had to ring her mother's phone many times before she would finally answer. The mother said she only heard it ring 1 to 2 times before she answered. The repair person (politically correct) knew something was up when the mother said she felt her dog was psychic. The dog would start barking just before the phone would ring. He found that someone (politically correct not to accuse) had disconnected the phone ground line and used it to tie off the dog's chain to his metal collar. Apparently when the call came in, the dog would see the 90 volts DC, but was not a good enough ground to allow the ring. That occurred when he urinated and made a good ground. ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES: "You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS." "Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you? Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking... Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me? We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep... I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am... I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you. I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity. Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks. (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. This is David. Talk to me. You have reached 555-6238. Why? This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.) (Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ... Miscellaneous [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!! This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or supercillious, or anaphalactic, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...} --- Change the word often. MODERN PHILOSOPHIES If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. Things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year-instead of before it. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd accept this, too. But that wouldn't work, you'd have to take the engine out, do nothing to it, then put it back in. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats. Sun Motor Systems could make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with single "General Car Fault" warning light. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,fogetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an auto maker instead of giving them. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "brake". Darwin award contender ( History : This award is given posthumously to people who are inadvertantly helping in weeding out the "stupid" genetic pool from society. ) There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girl-friend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines,like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced up his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top. A supposedly true story from Orange County A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing. This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep. A couple of women were playing golf one Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and began to roll around in agony. The women rushed down and began to apologize. One woman then explained that she was a massage therapist and offered to help ease his pain if he would only allow her. "Ummph, ooooohhh, ooooohhh , nnnoooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like hell!!" WORKPLACE HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMAN - - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS Element: Woman Symbol: WO Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118 lb. but known to vary from 100~55 lbs. Occurrence: Copious quantities in urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES Surface is usually covered with painted film. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used incorrectly. Found in various stages ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES Highly ornamental, especially in a sports car. Can be a great aid to relaxation. TESTS Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed alongside a better specimen. HAZARDS Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one. Short Honeymoon... A Young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She puts them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's Right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said,"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!" Trader President Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks,"Nice pigs, Mr. President." Clinton replies, "I'll have you know that these are genuine Arkansas razorback hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. What do you think?" The honor guardsman answers, "Nice trade, sir." Who's cryin' now? One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we are about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, " I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of true enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take the parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack." 25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?" 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. What? And spoil my great sex life? 4. Nobody would believe me in white. 5. Because I just love hearing this question. 6. Just lucky, I guess. 7. It gives my mother something to live for. 8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole. 9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 12. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it. 22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 23. Why aren't you thin? 24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. So which condom would you use....? Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it+s that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Campbell+s Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good. General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life! AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone. Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border. MCI: For friends and family Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United. The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer: You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net" Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again Your phone bill is delivered in a box You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom All of your friends have an @ in their names You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mommy's got work to do" and you don't have a job You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01" You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :) Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "Undo" button Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect. You succeed. This piece is psuedocode, but if you LUV Bill Gates and microsoft read it anyway: Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include nonsense.h #include lies.h #include spyware.h /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include process.h /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_versionone_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time=ripe; say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) { case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY: say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing"); break; case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say("Yes it will work"); ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem); break; case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS: say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture"); inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform(SEAGATE, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, SEAGATE); break; case DOES_MICROSOFT_HAVE_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone"); register(journalist, Big_Bill_Bad_Book); when(time_is_ripe) { arrest(journalist); brainwash(journalist); when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) { order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist); } } break; } while (vapourware) { introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH); { release(beta_version) while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks; release(new_and_even_better_beta_version); introduce(more_memory_requirements); if (customers_report_installation_problems) { say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard"); } } if ( bills_bank_accountskyhigh && marriagetwo_years ) { divorce(woman_that_was_beatiful_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks); marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_breasts); devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_breasts); if (breasts_start_to_sag) dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_breasts); } if (there_is_another_company) { borrow(their_ideas); accuse(other_company, stealing_our_ideas); hire(many_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out(other_company); } } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */ order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_Mel_Gibson); buy(distant_tropical_island); hire(harem); laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); } void bugfix(void) { charge (a_lot_of_money) if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) say("This is not a bugfix, it's a new version"); if (customer_still_complains) { ignore(customer); register(customer, Big_Bill_Bad_Book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/ } } Someone's gotta do it! The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes into the forest. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out just two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." more KIDS QUOTES: Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days. Lime is a green-tasting rock. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high flying fogs. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places. wind is like the air, only pushier. (courtesy of the Good, Clean Funnies List) A Blonde! and others One summer day a blonde walks out of her house and across the street she sees another blond in a boat in the middle of her front lawn rowing away. The first blonde yells across the street to the blonde in the boat, "You know it's blondes like you that make blondes like me look bad. If I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass". There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub." Blind and wet A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass". Motherrrrrr-in-LAW! A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!" Another president joke Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY". One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a TRAGEDY." I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!" The wonders of the Big City Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves. "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked. "They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell. "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!" Not heard on ER A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. -----#####----- - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.  The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. -----#####----- - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.  Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the babies father had to be restrained.  What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!)  Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!" -----#####----- - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny"   A pelvic exam verifies that she does indeed have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection reveals that she has a mass in her vaginal vault.  It is easily removed and looks very much like a potato. It is indeed a potato, the patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. -----#####----- - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime.  And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in on of the folds of her crotch. -----#####----- - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain.  During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.  The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive.  Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" -----#####----- - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him.  The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.  Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.  The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "I've been fucking the dog?" -----#####----- - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER.  She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers.  She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either." -----#####----- *Note:* These stories are not recent and therefore cannot be referred to as news. All the stories listed in this issue took place between 1995 and 1997. Ovi's World of the Bizarre - BIZARRE DEATHS - SUICIDALLY INSANE Just Making Sure: G. Flemming, 39, of Akron, Ohio, fired a .38-caliber bullet through his head while jumping from his 14th floor apartment. -----#####----- An 85-year-old Chinese woman killed herself because she started menstruating and thought she was possessed by the Devil. -----#####----- A British man hanged himself from a "Way Out" (Exit) sign at a railway station following an argument with his girlfriend. OOPS!!! SORRY! An Argentine woman tried to stop her husband's hiccuping. She put on a carnival mask, waited until he fell asleep and went into the dark bedroom attempting to scare him. It worked. Her husband, Nestor Lutz, was so terrified when he saw the scary figure next to his bed, he stabbed her to death. -----#####----- A father, returning home late, shot and killed his 14-year-old daughter when she tried surprising him by jumping out of the closet. -----#####----- Carlo Jimenez of Coro, Venezuela, killed his wife when he rolled over in bed and accidentally hit her with his elbow. -----#####----- PLAIN STUPIDITY What easier target than a blind man? Wrong. Anthony Ervin tried robbing Courtney Beswick, a blind man since birth, obviously thinking he must be an easy target. Beswick, a wrestling champion, flipped him over his head and ... snapped his neck. -----#####----- A Polish man died when he accidentally triggered one of his own booby traps placed inside his home. The 60-year-old man was so afraid of burglars, he had installed more than 30 booby traps throughout his home. -----#####----- A burglar died of suffocation when he broke into a home that was being fumigated. -----#####----- Two Zimbabwen witch doctors died of AIDS after having sex with patients they believed they had cured. -----#####----- A man, who was being arrested for robbing a woman, choked to death when he tried swallowing the evidence: a $50 bill. -----#####----- A 22-year-old Singaporean radio disk jockey wanted to prove that his lucky talisman will protect him from anything. Even a bullet. He died after he asked a soldier to shoot at him. -----#####----- REVENGE OF THE ANIMALS Richard Tulip, of Suderland, was trampled to death when the 15 horses he was trying to feed  rushed for the food bucket. -----#####----- A fisherman died when a swordfish jumped out of the water and stabbed him in the face. -----#####----- Another fisherman choked to death when a 6in-long fish jumped into his mouth while he was yawning. WHILE DRIVING A Denver woman choked to death when she slammed the brakes of her car and her lipstick shot inside her throat. -----#####----- A 13-month-old child, strapped into the passenger seat of her mother's car, was decapitated by the vehicle's airbag following an accident. The baby's head was thrown out of the side window. DO WE DETECT A LITTLE TEMPER? A 26-year-old woman killed her husband, cooked his flesh and served him to members of his family at his birthday party. When the family inquired where the birthday boy was, she answered: "You just ate him." -----#####----- An 100-year-old man slashed his wife's throat after she refused to have sex with him. He accused his 75-year-old wife of having an affair. -----#####-----