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Do You Need Help?
Have you determined the gender of your computer?
- If you haven't, do you want to?
If you want to, Complete the following steps:
- Turn the computer over on its back and start taking out screws. Then put them back in. If screwing the computer feels right, it may be of the opposite sex (the opposite sex from you, assuming that you're relatively clear on your own gender).
- If this in inconclusive, continue on. Pull the cover off. See if you can see any wires. If you can't, continue taking off covers until you can.
- Once the wires are visible, you may start performing coprelinguis (literally, licking copper, but in this sense it means licking any electrical/electronic connection) on them. Depending on the degree of the total experience that you want, you might want to unplug the computer first. Actually, there are more degrees than ON and OFF. There are capacitors with varying degrees of bite lurking in the innards of most computers....(Actually, this step has nothing to do with determining the sex of the computer, it's just fun.)
- If the epiphany has not manifested yet, continue on. The next step is... counting the number of male and female connectors. You should first count all of the connected connectors. Write this number down. Divide it by two. Then count all of the unconnected female connectors. Write this number down too. Lastly, count all of the unconnected male connectors. Write this number down too.
- Did you remember to count the empty card slots as female?
- Did you make sure that the unconnected power connectors were male? You have to look in the protective plastic cond.. cover.
- Add all of these numbers together. If it is a prime number, your computer is sexless. It is a mathematician, and it's playing a joke on you. Either that, or you're an idiot. Actually, you may be an idiot anyway. If you're still reading, change that to probably.
- If the total is an odd number (that is a number not divisable by the number two(2)) the chances are about two-to-one that your computer is a male.
- Conversely, if the number is even (divisable by that same number two(2)) it is surely a female.
- At this point, three out of four people will have determined the sex of their computer. For that fourth person, that left-out quarter, that poor twenty-five percent, I will help you out. You need a copy of MS-DOS 9.4173 loaded and running beneath WIN95. Go to a DOS window, enter the DOS folder, and type "SEX?" exactly as it is typed here. DO NOT type the quotation marks. Hit the enter key. It may take a few seconds as the computer counts the connections and unconnections.
Unconnections are much harder to analyze from the inside.
- There are fifty-six different answers that may appear on your screen. MALE or FEMALE (all CAPS) are the real answers. Several other answers are indicative of a sexless mathematician: these include "yes", "no", "why" and "Where". Evasive multiword answers indicate that the computer has something to hide. Some examples:
- "What's it to ya?"
- "None of your fu*king business"
- "It doesn't really matter, I just want to be friends" and
- "I don't really believe that sex is something nice girls talk about".
- Several things need to be considered before going any farther.
- The ratio of male/female/neuter: 3:8:2.
- Is the ratio different after the burn-in than it is before?
- How does a computer get neutered?
- Why do you want to know, are you a pervert?
- Why do some computers try to hide their gender?
- Does it really matter?
OK, from the top:
- The ratio of male/female/neuter: 3:8:2 Of course, this makes no sense to the layman whatsoever. Laywomen have a bit of an advantage, however. This makes no sense to the layman, either. Computers all come off of similar assembly lines (This is NOT a theory; I've seen it myself; rumors of a "Computer Creator" are only that.) Exactly the same components go into each assembly. Sure, the mother boards come from one place, the hard drives from another, etc., but they're all interchangable. It must be assumed, then, that before the electricity is applied to the complete assembly, that the assembly is female. Something happens between the time that the initial surge of electricity is applied and the burn-in is completed. Which brings up the second question:
- Is the ratio different after the burn-in than it is before? Idiot! Did you read the last paragraph? We have NO WAY OF KNOWING until the burn-in is complete!
- How does a computer get neutered? This is a much better question. Still, it lack something. How does a computer get to be masculinized? Then we would be more apt to know when it gets emasculated. Do the neutered ones have the equipment to be male and not have the equipment operational? Is there a possibility that the condition is electronically psychosomatic? Do they have the equipment to be female? Are they both? Or neither? Categorically, I must sadly answer no. I don't know. Next question.
- Why do you want to know, are you a pervert? Another really stupid question. Of course you are a pervert. Why else the interest? Most normal (read:real) people don't care about the sex of their computers, it would never enter their minds. They think that they're mere machines.
- Why do some computers try to hide their gender? This is a really easy one. Male computers are expected to handle large, complex databases; this is hard, gruelling work. Female computers are expected to be a little wimpy and more delicate; they do lighter work, like recipe files and art work. As expected, some male computers are lazy, and they don't want to do that hard work. They would just as soon sit on a desktop somewhere doing word processing, and never feel the wrath of a Dbase program going wrong. And then there are some oppositely-gendered computers that just have to prove that they're just as good as any other computer. The latter two examples would rather not be discovered. They've got what they want.
There are others in both the male and female categories that would absolutely not do the work of the opposite gender; males who quake with Paint Shop Pro on their disks, and females that choke when a copy of Foxpro is installed. The neuters: Mathematicians almost exclusively, many of these have been specifically de-sexed. Sometimes the electron overgrowth results in a supercomputer, since there is a lot of stuff that they don't have to worry about. Those that are not specifically neutered but come away from burn-in neuter are specifically targeted for the home market; they will do anything adequately but nothing well. They are usually gentle and obedient. They are comfortable with Myst and Doom residing together on their hard drives. They are not picky about either input or output devices.
- Does it really matter? Idiot again! Of course it matters! Re-read the last paragraph already! Additionally, your relationship with your computer will depend on your sexual orientation as well as the computers. Being as I am not a qualified psychiatrist I cannot really get into the specifics of this, so just let me say, there are some of you out there who are afraid to put pornography on your hard drives, but instead store it on 3.5 floppies. Do you really understand why you do this?
In conclusion, computer sex is not about reproduction! There have been no reported cases of computers reproducing, and our best scientific minds have been working on this for years. All evidence points to the conclusion that for computers, sex is just fun, nothing more. In fact, the majority of them even deny that it is fun. This denial does not extend to an actual admission that the queried computer denies that it is personally fun, but that it has heard that many other computers feel this way; thus, an entirely scientific survey is impossible.
Headaches (actually, memory marbelization as they say) is theoretically a large factor in the lack of reproduction. This is caused by an excess of electrons when the moon is full, and this is believed to be the only fertile time for female computers. And no male computer, no matter how viril, will come near a female computer when she has her marbelization! They're way too smart for that!
So the moral of the story is:
Don't worry, be happy! We're safe (right now).
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