I've been clinically depressed all of my life. For the last three years or so, I've been taking Prozac. It has changed my life completely, indeed, it has saved my life. I was at the point of ending it when I started the Prozac. My suicidal thoughts were this far away from turning into actions. I learned in my teens that alcohol was a way to get away from the depression. An imperfect way, but one that worked nonetheless. After I quit drinking, I just spent a lot of my time gritting my teeth and bearing it. It was not fun, not fun at all. But it was much better than drinking. I spent a couple-three years in counselling; it did help. But it was like driving a screw in with a hammer. It was kinda like making yourself happy while living with depression, not really getting at the root cause... that being a chemical deficit in your brain. Yeah, it was a waste of time. Pleasant, but a waste of time nonetheless. Now comes the interesting part: Many of the online journalers suffer from clinical depression, and are being treated for it in various ways. I have been trying to understand why I do this (the journal) ever since I started doing it. And I wonder why other people do it, too. Yeah, I'm having fun doing it. It's a creative outlet. It's like performing before an audience. Yeah, most people think that I'm strange to want to do it. So, are the other journalers regarded as strange by their non-journaling and non-computer friends? Is strangeness a large component of on-line journalers? Is clinical depression a large component of that strangeness? Are the ones being treated more or less interesting than the ones that aren't? Is there some other psychological problem, diagnosed or otherwise, that binds us with a common thread? We do have a couple who are bi-polar. How does that figure in? Really really scary thought: Are we merely representative of the off-line world? In a way, a journal, whether it be private or public, is a lot like talk therapy. Write this stuff down on paper or the screen, get it out where you can look at it, see if maybe it makes more sense. A lot like writing out a to-do list or a grocery list. Organize your mind. I have an organizational deficit. I need to write stuff down, or I forget it. I need to write it down so I realize that it's important to me. One of my to-do lists is filled up with stuff that I will never get done... those things are not really very important to me. I have those things written down so that I will realize that they aren't important. I can look at the list and say, "I don't need to worry about that stuff. I've decided that it isn't important." and go on to other stuff that is important. OK, so it's good to write stuff down. It's therapeutic. So, why do it online? Well, there are a lot of other reasons besides therapy. Why do people write at all? To impress people, to assuage their egos, to inform people... to inform people? To inform people. What an idea! To let some people know what you're doing! To let people know how you feel about stuff. Hmmmm. Maybe I've got something here... Actually, I have a lot of friends and relatives reading my journal. It cuts down on a lot of small talk, lets us get right to the issues. Damn, I'm sounding like a politician, and that's all over now... Anyway, instead of greeting me with, "Hey, Doug, How're ya' doin?" they can just cut to the chase with "Hey, that was a really shitty thing you said about me!" and smack me in the nose. Or they look at the scar on my head and say, "Boy, that was sure a stupid thing to do, running into that xray machine!" Saves me a lot of explaining. I realize that this essay is incomplete, in that I have drawn no conclusions and I haven't enlightened anyone about anything. That's because I have no conclusions or enlightenment. If you have something to add to the subject, send me some mail and let me attach it here. Be sure to let me know whether or not I can use your name, or if you prefer anonymity. However, I must warn you that if you don't take responsibility for your words, you won't see them here... Thanx for being here!