|
Well, dammit, I've been trying to establish myself as one who would never lie about anything, as a completely honest person. And now I'm gonna just blow my image completely. After I wrote The Trouble With Atheism I vowed that I would quit writing about religious things. I've already said it all, you all know where I stand on it, it's getting to be boring. But I had forgotten how much I hate Xmas. So I lied. Actually, it wasn't a real lie, but a stupid mistake. How could I have forgotten about Xmas? Stupid, stupid, stupid. So, Forgive me... or not, whatever.
(Hold on to your wallets!)
It's started already... this crass commercialization of xmas. The bigger stores have the decorations up already... the littler stores are following suit. And it's not even close to hallowe'en yet!
But WAIT!
Don't get the idea that I'm against xmas being commercialized! 'Cause I'm not... I'm against xmas, period. The whole screwy idea. I dislike religion in any form... you already know that... so when xmas comes around, I start to seethe. And seething isn't good for me, I'm a heart patient, y'know. So xmas decorations in stores before hallowe'en are just extending my seething period.
People (xians, mostly) expect so damned much out of xmas, and so do their kids. And those expectations are seldom realized. Give gifts, get gifts. Santy Claus! Bring me.... bring me... bring me everything that's on TeeVee! I'll give you milk and cookies.... good trade, huh? But don't let your reindeer crap on my lawn, or it's lawsuit time at the North Pole.
And everybody's supposed to be so fucking happy because X was allegedly born on this day in Bethlehem... a long, long time ago. Before camcorders or ethical, reliable reporting... well, we have camcorders now, anyway...So everyone should have the xmas "spirit". All of a sudden people who are killing each other and screwing each other and hating each other are supposed to stop and say to each other, "Hey, it's xmas, let's all be friends today!". Right!
I do like the idea of a winter holiday, though. A party to get us through the long period of short days. Wait, ... wait! I GOT IT! The Day That The YEAR CHANGES! New Years! A Great Holiday! Completely non-sectarian, absolutely areligious, based on something logical and solid and never-changing... New Years! Forget yer ratty religious holidays, we got a better one for you! Everyone can celebrate! Well, everyone who has access to a calendar, anyway... ya don't have to believe anything at all about virgins or pure babies or dead people rising or anything else mythical at all. Ya just gotta believe that on December the thirty-first at midnight, we got a brand new year! January First! And then ya just add one year to the year that it used to be (say, 1996 + 1 = ... 1997! This will work for any year)and there ya have it! Done! Pretty simple, huh.
So, you wanna give gifts on New Years? Go right ahead! Say they're from Santy, if you want to. Give gifts on the Fourth of July, too! That's another great holiday! Picnics, baseball games, gifts under the bushes...
I really will hate to see the demise of the xmas tree, though. Xmas trees are purty, with all of the little twinkly lights and stuff. Angel hair, I really like angel hair. I won't miss Nativity scenes, though.
Another holiday that really annoys me is... Thanksgiving. How did it get to be religious? Oh, yeah. Thanking god from whom all blessings flow... like he grows the corn and fixes the turkey and the stuffing and the cranberry salad...
However, any holiday that has food as a central theme can't be all bad, can it? Actually, that includes all holidays, except for Presidents' day... I guess you could have cherry pie, in honor of George... let's see... Easter...ham. Memorial day... maggots. 4th of July... fried chicken and potato salad. Labor day...Hot dogs and Hamburgers. Hallowe'en... lots of candy! Thanksgiving... turkey, punkin pie, cranberry sauce, mmmm! Xmas... a repeat of thanksgiving, but with ham thrown in. New Years'... black-eyed peas... and ham... and omelettes and milk shakes. OK, I made a lot of the new years stuff up, but I said what I said and I'm stickin' to it!
So, as an atheist, I hate xmas. But I like parties. What should I do? A total boycott? No fun. Maybe I'll just make everyone else uncomfortable as hell, knowing that they have an unbeliever in their midst! Yeah! Great Idea! I'll do it!
Merri xmas, y'all!
|