So, you think that you want to love and not get caught. If you think that what I mean is how to love and not get caught, you got another think coming. This title was meant to be taken in the spirit in which it was written, that is to say, very, very sarcastic. Anyone who has read any of my stuff knows that. I was just trying to suck the sleazebags in with the regulars. The websters out there looking for smut need to be converted, too, y'know. Loving and not getting caught. An oxymoronic phrase is I ever saw one. The purpose of love is getting caught. If you don't wanta get caught, lust will work just fine for you. At this time, I will tell you about my past loves. Those of you who don't want to witness excruciating suffering and pain, go somewhere else. This is my love timeline. Please don't laugh. 1952:Hunter, Oklahoma. I was going to school, the first grade. I fell in love with a little girl who sat in front of me in class, and sat with me sometimes on the school bus. I was an extremely shy kid, and she would jabber away and I would say nothing. Shortly before we moved to Kremlin, Oklahoma she turned to me in class and whispered, "Would you like to feel my bottom? Everybody likes to feel my bottom, and you can too". I was absolutely flabbergasted, of course, and politely demurred. Lately I have been wondering about that little girl (I can't even remember her name) and how screwed up her life must be. In those days sexual abuse was unheard of, at least not mentioned. How sad for her. 1952-56: Enid, Oklahoma. Again in school, I fell in love with a girl named Jean Gritz. Once again, she never knew it. My life has been filled with girls who never knew I loved them. There was never anything more than exchanged looks. She must've thought I was a really strange kid, and I was, I guess. The Everly Brothers "dream, dream, dream" came out, and I changed the words to "Jean, Jean, Jean" in my head and heard it all of the time. 1957: Albuquerque, NM. I had two loves in Albuquerque, the first a mexican girl named Maria Garcia, of all things! She and I met in an arroyo after school and she seduced me, and I let her. We were in the 7th grade, and I had absolutely no idea what was going on, unlike today's 7th graders. The next day, I was met in the same arroyo by her boy friend and several of his friends, who beat the holy shit out of me. That was another first for me. I had been in fights before, but I was not a fighter. I had never been held down while people hit and kicked me; it was a horrible experience. My second love was a blonde girl at a different school. After my last experience, I thought that I'd better opt for the secret love bit, so, again, she never knew. I can't quite remember her name, either. 1958: Enid, Oklahoma, again. My mother got me a summer pass to Champlain Pool, about three blocks from our house. There was a girl with long dark hair that, looking back, was madly in love with me; I was oblivious, as usual. She invited me over to her house for lemonade after swimming one day, and I went, but I was terrified. I declined her other invitations, and she quit asking. We went to different schools, and I didn't see her until the next summer. I decided to impress her on the first day, went off of the high board and did a perfect swan dive. My trunks fell apart when I hit the water, and I've never been so embarrassed in my life (well, up to that point, anyway). I didn't impress her at all. I spent the rest of the summer in love with her, but she paid very little attention to me. 1960: Topeka, KS. When we moved to Topeka, I fell in with a group of people who were into having "steady" girlfriends & boyfriends. I didn't fit in very well, being very shy, so Ginny took me in and decided that I would "go" with Cheryl Bittenbender. The main problem was that I was in love with Ginny, who was going steady with Jesse, my best friend. Then I fell in love with Donna Fellman, who was going with someone else. Then I fell in love with Leota Krahn, who was going with someone else. But I never did fall in love with Cheryl, who was a very nice girl. She taught me how to dance and kiss, though. 1961-1964: Topeka. Leota Krahn was going with a good friend of mine, Richard Chavez. Leota's mother didn't like Richard worth a damn, and Leota was forbidden to see him. So, being a good friend, I would go to Leota's house, make nice for her mother, and take Leota out to meet Richard. I got a job working for Leota's mother, Helen Krahn, out at Helen's Party House. Helen did catering, and was a helluva cook. Helen's party house is now the Blind Tiger, for you Topekans. Leota broke up with Richard, I think because he left town. But she wasn't interested in me, but in another kid that worked for Helen. He was David...something-or another, a high-school drop-out and about 24 years old. Helen didn't like him either, so we got back on the same old merry-go-round. I would pick her up, we'd go meet Dave somewhere, at the end of the evening I'd take her home. I don't know if her mother knew what was going on or not. That period of my life was especially excruciating. Looking at it from 35 years away, I still really feel sorry for that stupid, pathetic kid. Trying to do the right thing and being used and abused in the process. 1961-64: Topeka High School: I was, again, silently in love with a bunch of girls. I kinda established myself as antisocial, even though I was still just extremely shy. 1964-66: St. Francis Hospital, Topeka: I started school and immediately fell in love with one of my classmates, Rosie Vail. Again, I was much too shy to do anything about it, and really had the feeling that she wouldn't reciprocate anyway. During this period I started drinking a lot, and had many one-night stands with girls that I don't remember. 1967: Maren Hendrickson. A very sweet girl, the first time that I'd had a lasting physical relationship. But the chemistry wasn't quite right. We dated for about a year, then I broke up with her. 1967-68: I fell in love and actually started dating a student at St. Francis, Joan Budenbender. I believe that she was the first girl that I told (sincerely) that I loved. Joan and I wrote often when I was in the Army, but when I got out, we drifted apart rapidly. I was, by this time, a full-blown alcoholic, and she didn't like that too much. She and her husband are now good friends with Karen and I. 1968: Topeka: When I got out of the Army & returned to Topeka, I didn't have a place to live, since my mother had moved to Enid to take care of her mom, who had had a stroke. So Ginny and Bob, who had just recently married, asked me to move in with them. I did, and almost immediatly fell back in love with Gin. Not so shy, now, I let her know how I felt, and it was kinda reciprocal. However, I could not pursue her because she was a married woman. I just drank more. I did fall in love with one of her girlfriends, but that went nowhere too. I moved out on my own about a year later. 1970: I got a job back at St. Francis, and fell in love with a student, Marta Smith. We eventually got married, had two sons, and got divorced. A real bummer. 1979: Single again, but drinking more than ever. I started dating Karen, but I decided that it was too complicated, what with her being married and all. I was just doing fine with my booze and books. I told her I wasn't interested in seeing her anymore and broke her heart. 1980: I fell in love again, this time with a girl named Rosie. There was nothing shy about Rosie at all, and she moved in with me a couple of weeks after we met. The main problem was her 8-year old son; he and I just did not get along, and that eventually ruined our relationship. 1983: Karen, again. Karen came over on her birthday in 1983, all dressed up. I was sitting on my front porch drinking beer, watching my boys play. She asked me how to get rid of her current boyfriend, who was an alcoholic and who had abused her. She thought that since I had gotten rid of her so easily, I should be able to tell her how to get rid of him. To make a long story short, she got rid of him, I stopped drinking and really fell in love for the first time in my life. And it just keeps getting better. Karen & I were married in August 1984, and lived happily ever after. Really. So the long sad story of my loves had a happy ending, anyway. Perseverence is the key here. Keep falling in love until you find the right person, and you, too, can be happy. It was worth the tears and the loneliness, because I got where I needed to go. And so did Karen. There are a lot of people who never do. Weep for them. I must note that I have left out a lot of girls who were significant to me, but I can't remember enough about our relationships to write about them ;-( Sorry, Ladies! Let that be a lesson to you... don't drink! It makes you forget shit that you really want to remember!