ARCHIVES - 1996 to FOREVER

I am just so very sad.

Karen has abandoned me, not willingly... and I am helpless.

The date, year... mean nothing.

The woman that I love is no more, though she continues to breathe for right now.

Just as the man that I am will die with my body.

We are such small parts.

And the hurt? that will continue, as long as we feel; Karen's hurt at not seeing her grandkids grow up, my hurt at not seeing Karen alive and well when I can retire and be with her full-time....

I am not doing well.

Everything hurts... Karen, the future... pretty much everything.

Significant: Karen was the ultimate lover;

Again, significant:

She is such a one... she loves. Her kids, her life, me.... more or less in that order.

The preceding was written last night, while not drinking water. I almost deleted it, but what the hell.

I slept this morning until about 10:30, with the last three hours punctuated by the snooze alarm, so I don't really know if that counts.

Reta got her at 11:15, it was good to see her. We left to go see Karen about noon, and stayed until 15:00 or so.

She was doing much better initially... her Sister Debbie was there, and her son Jeff. Karen seems to perk up when someone else is there. Pretty soon, though, she started getting inappropriate....

She had regained some of her physical strength, though; she walked with the walker to the bathroom, and then was disappointed when it didn't have a shower... she didn't want to go to the bathroom, she wanted to take a shower. Up until this time she seemed to be lucid.

Reta and I left and I showed her around the house... Reta is a very nice woman, and a ball of fire on top of that. She started doing housework impulsively when she was taking care of her husband, who had Parkinson's disease and died about a year ago. She said it gave her something to do, and she discovered that she liked it.

There is, of course, a lot to do around here....

I have talked to quite a few of Karen's friends today, people that she grew up with in Parsons... I end up crying every time, and so do the people on the other end.

About 17:30 I went back to hospice, and Karen was almost unresponsive... she was plumb worn out. After I had left earlier, she did have a shower with the nurses helping her....

She got a handful of cards in the mail today, so I read them to her and she would indicate that she was listening to me occasionally, and try to talk, and was frustrated by not really being able to make herself understood.

Also, when I came in her cheeks and nose were a mottled red, like she sometimes get when she would drink red wine... I think that she might be running a fever, which could be a good thing or a bad thing, I guess. nevertheless, not something that we can do anything about. She might be starting an infection, or possibly the temperature-control center in her brain is being compromised.

I will hate to see her go, but I don't want her to suffer, dammit.

I only stayed an hour or so, it was obvious that she wanted to sleep.

Fuck cancer. Just fuck it.