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The nothingness operates from simple reflex... she grasps my hand, wanting a human, loving connection.

Because her mind cannot connect, she needs her hand, her physical body, to connect. And she knows how much I love her.

We have been connected, mentally and physically, for twenty-five years.

Has there ever been a greater love? No, there never has been, and there never will be.

And has that love faded? no, it hasn't.

It has changed, on her side, for she cannot recognize me as a person that loves her any more... she can only have the physical connection... she grips my hand, so tight that it hurts.

She looks into my eyes with eyes so blank... but she knows me, and she knows my boundless love.

And that is all that matters.

And soon, she will not know even that.

She will only know my smile... and I cannot let a tear mar that smile, she will not understand.

It was a long, long night... I don't think that I have ever slept on a couch in my adult life... it's not fun.

Karen did sleep most of the night, though, only got up once to go to the bathroom.

Her mental condition is degrading rapidly, but I haven't given her the methadone or MS or anything else that might affect that, so I'm pretty sure that I know the source.

She's also starting to get a tremor, on top on the confusion and weakness and general confusion.

The human brain is a wonderful thing... until it starts getting eaten away by cancer.

Still, I have to think that this is a better way than not being unable to breathe.

I hate this whole thing.

Cathy and Morty, just left, that's her with me in todays' picture.

They are such wonderful people, and I'm so glad that I have them.

They have an early exit planned for the morning, so I probably won't see them again this trip... and Cathy has an interview Monday, and I forgot to wish her good luck, so I'll do it here... Good Luck, sweet Cathy!

I gave Karen her pills, and she seems to be sleeping soundly now, except for the twitching... if a dog was doing that, I'd say that he was chasing rabbits in his dreams... I wish that I could say that's what Karen is doing.

I'm gonna have another night on the couch, and Jan is planning on coming over tomorrow night and staying... that will be nice. Might well be unnecessary, though, if she goes back to hospice... she doesn't want to die at home, she's told both Jan and I that numerous times.

Since I haven't said it for a few days....

Fuck cancer. Just fuck it. June 2007 Index
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