ARCHIVES - 1996 to FOREVER

Thouroughly shitty day.

Busybusy at work, then I came home, after stopping at Mom's to drop off a mirror.

Out of pop, so I went to Walgreens....

Got some pop... and some cigars.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

NO, I don't know why. It's my goddamned head, that's what it is.

Came home and played music and smoked.

I hate myself... but I'm starting to think that I can carry a tune.

These things have to balance out, after all, heh.

I'm really wondering if not smoking has made me somewhat psychotic.

As in... I'm thinking weird things, things that I've never thought before, having dreams that I've never had before. The dreams... my legs are entrapped in...something. Something not quite living, but something definitely malevolent. Tentacles of some sort, appendages of something that I can't see, but I can feel the evil going through my legs.

Anyway, it's very uncomfortable, and I want to get over it as fast as possible.

So, dumbass me, I buy cigars.

The wrong answer to a silly question, I know.

It's a strange time in my life, a cusp of some sort.

I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but I need something... a change of some sort. I have no idea what I need, just a need....

Maybe I need spring...

I need sunlight, rainbows...

Yes, Sunlight and rainbows.

But the reality is... it's Kansas, and it's Feburary.

Yep, I'm depressed... depressed and somehow lonely.

Lonely... because I cannot share my thoughts with anyone, except in these writings. Not even with the love of my life, and that is really stupid, I know. Asperger's syndrome.

And dammit, that's just the way I am, the way I have always been, the way I'll always be.

Psychic pain needs dulling... I'll do that with alcohol and nicotine.

I'll do it that way 'til I die, I guess....