ARCHIVES - 1996 to FOREVER

The guitar pick sits on the table, disabled for lack of a hand

Music... music is in the mind, and I can hear it always.

Mind games... they are in the mind also.

And I can play with the best of them, I can.

In my mind...

I am humble.

In truth, I am not at all humble.

I am at times, truly, humiliated by the desires of my body.

Never, never, by the desires of my mind.

In my mind, I am honest.

Truly, I am not all that honest.

Betrayed again by the desires of my body.

In my mind, I am always right.

And I am, more often than not, but the world laughs at me.

The laughter hurts me.

In my mind, I am strong;

In this, my body betrays me often; I am weak in the things that relate to the body, and unsure of the things that relate to the mind.

I think of myself as an intellectual.

This means nothing to the world, and very little to my mind...

It is only a means to placate my paranoia.

In my mind....

There is a great gulf between what I think and what actually *is*.

Is this what insanity is really all about?

Where is the *real* truth?

And dare I even approach it?

The truth has to be somewhere between the actual world and what's in my head, doesn't it?

Reality is a kick in the head, but it still has to be dealt with.

I'm trying to do that, but it seems to get harder every damned day.

And I say that the truth has to be somewhere between actuality and what's in my head, but I'm not really all that sure about that.

It has to be a given that I'm *not* infallible.

Unfortunately, that means that I have to question everything... what's in my head, and what's in the world.

And that's a burden that I've carried all of my life.

But...

What's in my head, that's important.

*Important*.

Because that's where my world is.

In my head.

And let's just back off about this being all about me... even though it is.

We all have to question, we all have to examine our minds and our connection to the world. We all have to consider ourselves fallible, we all have to consider that we're wrong, we all have to rejoice in the fact that sometimes... sometimes... we're right.

But always... always, we're human.

And we can think.

And that's the bitch of it... we think.

But sometimes... we only think that we're thinking, but in actuality, we leave that to others.
We think comforting thoughts... because someone else tells us to.

It's a trap. An evil trap.

There is nothing comforting in this world, other than a mothers' love.

And a lovers' love.

And a families' love.

And that... well, that's all a trap too.

Anything that keeps you from thinking... is a trap.

Keep thinking, keep living, keep loving.

But it's your head, and your world. Enjoy it.

Somebody famous once said something like "The unexamined life wasn't really worth living."

That may be so. And if that's the case, mine has certainly been worth living.

And I hope that yours is too.

Well, back to *my* life...

Once again, I didn't get enough sleep, but I made it to work after several snoozebarring incidents. After tha last time that I hit it, about 06:00. I panicked, thinking that I'd turned the clock off altogether. I hadn't, but thinking that I did got me awake enough to get up anyway.

And work was weird.

Busier than a bee the first hour when I was there by myself , and then... dead.

So, I started thinking what I usually do in these situations... I asked my co-workers to flip to see who got to go home. Nobody wanted to flip, so, by default, I came home about noonish.

And I haven't accomplished a damned thing except for playing lots of music and thinking about stuff.

And... and I'm sorry that I have to repeat this, but I do, you folks are so forgetful... the above short screed (of course, the shortness of it preculdes it from really being a *screed*, but I'll call it what I want to...) definitely does not mean that I'm unhappy with my life or even the state of my mind. It's just words coming out of my head. I'm really the happiest guy that you would ever want to know. Really.

Anyway, *this* night I will have a nice long sleep, and I got a nice bottle of whisky to make sure that that happens.