ARCHIVES - 1996 to FOREVER

We are living on the edge of a desert, and it's kinda scary. Living on the edge, with dessert, though, might be satisfying to some. I've been trying to avoid both of those things lately. But that does remind me of a saying on a T-shirt that I saw some years ago, "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room!"

I've had an attitude change lately, I'm really trying hard to think myself sane. Not as easy as you might think. I'm even going so far as to *try* to understand Karen's attraction to GW Bush. So far that part ain't working, sorry. My poor mother has a similar attitude to Karen's, but it isn't really so important to me, we can pretty much avoid the subject when we visit her....

Music. Making music is hard, especially for one who doesn't really know what he's doing (that would be me). I have been working on some keyboard left-hand stuff, and I've got it working fairly well, but the finding the melody is excruciating to my little intellect. There is a distinct possibility that I'm not cut out to be a musician after all. But really, all I want is *one* measly little number one hit, and I would walk away happy, y'know?

And my singing? It is to laugh at. Even with lots of filters and echoes and stuff like that, it's terrible. What I really need to do, of course, is practice. But that's really hard when you can't stand the sound of your own voice.

Anyway, back to the attitude change: I figgered that I only have one life (what kinda raw deal is that, you stupid fucking universe?) and I should strive to be happy. Yeah, there are people who say that, well, happiness just happens. Bullshit, those are the people that believe in love at first sight and forever. Happiness needs to be worked at all of the time, just like love does. Being is love is easy, but staying in love? Yeah, that's work. Well worth it, but work nonetheless, and it has to occur on both sides of the equation. Happiness only has one side, and that is all in your head.

It is possible to be happy under almost any circumstance, with the exception of physical duress, of course. You just have to work at it.

Anyway, I haven't been working very hard at being happy lately. And if you aren't actually conscious of working to be happy, you aren't doing it. Like love, you can't let it just slide for a coupla weeks, it just spirals until you're biting yourself in the ass with every move that you make and every thought that you have.

Materialism is really OK, up to a point. But it ain't the whole ball of wax, no it ain't. Because materialism depends not on your head, but on things that are generally out of your control. And if you can't personally and constantly control it, it ain't gonna work towards making you happy.

So I'm working on stuff that will make me happy. Karen is one, of course, and she's not under my control at all, but she is, always and forever, on my side. She's my one concession towards materialism.

Music makes me happy, work (mostly) makes me happy, hearing Lacee or any kid, for that matter, laugh, makes me happy. As I'm writing this, Karen is watching some show in the other room and laughing her head off... that makes me happy.

What makes me unhappy... smoking cigars. I have to either stop smoking them of stop berating myself for smoking them. I can't really remember if I was happier without them, but I suspect that I was.

Enough of that for one day.

I kept my promise to sleep in today, and I didn't get up until about 09:00. I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night, though, it was about 03:00... went to bed at 01:00.

Karen and I went to Stinger's and we had an enjoyable time. Karen and I danced some slow dances, and when Jody's band started playing an Elvis medley I did about 3/4 of a fast one before my legs gave out. I wasn't sure that I was gonna make it back to the table even. However, Karen was not bereft of dancing partners... there's an old fellow there, probably 80 or so, that can really dance, and he picked Karen to be his partner. Jody told me that he had been shot in the head about three months ago when he was being robbed. Didn't slow him down a bit, though. Anyway, this old geezer looked like the typical dirty old man, but Karen enjoyed dancing nonetheless, and I enjoyed watching.

We sat through about three sets, and Jody didn't hit a wrong note ever. Pisses me off. Well, not really. I just want to do that... but not bad enough to practice ten hours a day.

I've pretty much wasted this day with music, well, enjoyed would be a better word. It looks as if it's a beautiful day, but I haven't stepped outside even except for early this morning. Holed up in the basement, y'know.

We're going out tonight to see Tom Artzer, an old friend, at the Den, the other venue where Jody plays. Maybe we'll be able to make it past midnight tonight... we might go back out to Stingers after listening to Tom a coupla sets, though.