No Texas trip for me, I'm afraid.

About 09:00 I had a few twinges in my chest, nothing that really concerned me at all.

Then about 11:00, something different started happening in there... pain.

I must admit, I got scared. Shit, I'm still scared.

I just sat down for a few minutes, willing the pain to go away, but it didn't, it just kept building incrementally. My heartbeat started faltering occasionally. I got the nitro pills out of my pocket, hoping that they were still potent, I'd had them a coupla years at least.

I had told my coworkers that I was having serious chest pain, and I sat there for a coupla minutes with the pill bottle unopened in my hand, not wanting to use them, wanting the pain to go away by itself, wanting the pain to be indigestion.

I knew that if I took a pill and the pain lessened, the diagnosis was essentially made.

the pain this time was just like it was in Oklahoma in '96, felt like an elephant stepping on my chest, a relentless weight, and an elephant who had no conscience, who could shift more weight onto that foot at any moment.

Well, OK. I could feel the sweat breaking out on my face and neck. I broke the seal on the bottle. I shook one whole white ovoid and a half of one, along with some white powder, into my hand. My hand, to my surprise, wasn't shaking, though I felt that the rest of me was. I picked the whole pill up and shoveled the half and the powder back into the bottle. I put the pill under my tongue and waited.

And waited. Finally the pain started lessening, and in about five minutes it was gone, completely gone. And I felt like I had been dragged through a desert. My head bloomed and then started hurting. I had expected that, from talking to patients, but I'd never taken a nitro pill before. And weak, I felt like my muscles collapsed in on themselves.

Once I got myself together, I called my cardiologist. Unfortunately, he had been on call last night, and he'd been up all night, so he was off for the day about ten minutes before I called, dammit. But after a long wait and a phone call to see if hey'd forgotten to call me back (and I'm pretty sure that's what happened) they asked me to come over and get a holter monitor. So I did, knowing that was a stop-gap thing. And I was told several times to not take any more nitro if I start hurting but to get to the ER. And I thought no, that's silly, I'll take the nitro *and* go to the ER.

I'll take the holter back in tomorrow and most likely see my cardiologist, who I'm sure will recommend a cath; I have the feeling that the stent that I had put in about three years ago has gotten plugged up. That would explain the similar pain, anyway.

The main problem with that diagnosis, however, is that it's pretty unlikely that they would be able to balloon and re-stent that same area.

Well, no, the *MAIN* problem is that I don't want to get my chest cracked. Especially since my favorite cardiac surgeon has been under the weather lately, and my second-favorite guy, well, he stands well below my favorite.

But... I will do what I have to do. I couldn't stand to leave the situation the way it is right now, not knowing. Not knowing is no fun, 'cause you never know when it might happen again.

And I am really disappointed that I've had to cancel my trip, I have been looking forward to seeing the boys for a long time, dammit. I talked to JD tonight, of course, and he might be able to come up in a coupla weeks, that would be really good if he could, and it'd be even nicer if he could bring Annette and Tyler with him... what the hell, he could stop by and pick up Mom, too, heh.

Anyway, after getting the holter, I decided to continue working, hell, I was really feeling OK at that point, and I'm feeling well now, too. I just have this cloud hanging over me and the thunder might start any second.

I got off on time and came home, and since then I've just kinda lazed around, playing some music, not doing much of anything, really.

And that pretty well describes my plans up until the time I go see the doc tomorrow, in fact. Do nothing, and think as little as possible. Maybe I'll watch TV, that fits the criteria. No, I really can't go that far with the idea.

Sleep, that's what I'll do, sleep.

And just hope that I wake up.