21:07 2/4/2004 Long hard day. I got up pretty much on time, and went to work a half-hour early, which was fortuitous, 'cause I kept busy until about 08:00 when my co-workers showed up, and the 08:00 patient didn't. Along with the 07:45 patient, who showed up at 08:30 or so. I took a no-lunch and left about noon, filled the car up and came home. Karen was mostly ready to go, and it didn't really take me long to get ready. There were, of course, the inevitable delays. Anyway, we got the caravan (Kim rode with Karen and I, Matt was driving his car with Brian, and Andy and Drew were in GED's van) on the road about 13:45 or so, after stopping at Sonic; I got a breakfast toast sandwich which was really pretty good, and a cuppa coffee which was really bad... mostly 'cause it was only lukewarm, and had probably never been any warmer that it was when they gave it to me, absolutely undrinkable. The first half of the trip was OK, but the second half was pretty hairy, blinding snow on a two-lane road. The road was only slick in spots, but you could never tell where those spots were. It was intense driving, and my shoulders and back are killing me, naturally. We got to Parsons OK, of course, and went to GED's sister Julie's house and basically sat around there for a while, then we went to the funeral home to view GED's body. We stayed there for maybe a half-hour, then back to Julie's and did some eating and meeting people and sitting around until it was time to go for the visitation. Not really much to say about the visitation, I just kinda tried to stay out of the way and still be supportive of Karen and her kids. GED's family are real nice people, and so was GED. He would have had 19 years of sobriety this month. And I do feel kinda guilty, because GED's drinking was the main cause of their divorce, and therefore the reason that Karen and I are together. A clear-cut case of one man's misfortune being another's man's fortune. And today would have been their 43rd anniversary. We're staying at GED's house tonight, Karen and Kim and I; Kim was kinda squicky about it, and so was Karen. And the boys are staying at a motel, they were evidently extremely squicky about it. Karen and Matt and Andy and Kim were with GED when he died, and of course it was a first for them. They were all pretty upset by it. And, in spite of attending many deaths in my line of work, I have never been with someone that I loved, or even knew very well, when they died. It's not an experience that I look forward to, and I might be able to live my life out and never have it happen. Especially with my health being what it is, heh. Speaking of which... I have two recently-re-acquired habits (addictions) that I need to be dealing with real soon. There is never a "good" time to quit smoking. You just have to stop, and not start again. I'm not really sure if I'll try it this weekend or next week, but it will be soon. There are bad times, though, where a smoker (me) knows that is will be like pissing into the wind to try to stop smoking. Last weekend on call was one of those. Then all the stuff this week, well, that's not conducive to quitting either. Most of the Daley family are smokers, and Julie has ashtrays in her house! I was sitting with her in the front room when she got an ashtray off of the TV (out of the reach of the youngest grandchild) and started smoking, right there in her own house! I was kinda flabbergasted, really, and I said something really stupid, like "You smoke in the house! And you have ashtrays! Do you mind cigar smoke?" Well, she didn't mind, and she looked at me like I was crazy. GED, of course, died from smoking. Well, that, and not going to his doc as soon as he started having symptoms due to his stents getting plugged up. Evidently he had been not feeling well for a coupla weeks, and when he finally called the EMS it was way too late. So, smoking. Got that covered, heh. Stop. The other problem? Come on, you can guess, can't you? I didn't take a drink from October 17th, 1983 until sometime early in 2002, I don't remember exactly when, Karen and I were at a hotel in KC on a weekend. The hotel gave free drink tickets, and for some reason or another, Karen convinced me that I could take a drink, after all, it was free. So I had a coupla drinks, and that was that. Gradually, gradually, the disease has crept up on me, and I normally have a coupla-three drinks every night that I'm not on call. The scary part. I'm looking forward every afternoon to getting off work, getting home and having a few drinks and playing music. I really don't like that. And the only way that I can get out is to stop drinking completely. I have only been drunk twice, and neither time was I very drunk, not like I used to get. I know my limits, and I don't go past that. And I don't drive when I've had a drink. Major rule, that. I may try to get some help this time. I'm not, at this point, dependent on alcohol, but I know that there looms a large dark potential. Right now, I'm in control, and I intend to keep it that way. But then, that's what alcoholics always think, isn't it?