But most patients, especially cancer patients, become astute at reading us drones who take care of them. As a result, we, in turn, become astute at hiding our feelings.

The end result, of course, is absolute confusion. For the patient, not for us.

And I know, that, try as I might, the false front that I put on for a patient who is, say, closer to succumbing to a disease, is not nearly as genuine as the front that I put on for one who is clean.

And I try hard, we all try hard.

If I were a patient, I know that I could read the eyes of the people taking care of me, or at least, those that cared. Some of them don't really care, and I don't think that they are in the right profession, and they are becoming fewer and fewer as the years go by. If you don't care, dammit, the work is dull and repetitive and barely provides a living, after all.

Those of us who do care, dammit, we read the obits every day and cry.

If you haven't figgered it out by now, I care.

I care for my patients, I care for my co-workers. They care too. Some of them more than others, true, and most of them less than I do. But they're still there, and they do care.

Caring too much is bad, I've heard. You should be less involved in your work, they say, meaning, of course, "get a life". Bullshit.

My life is about caring.

If I didn't care, I would love BabyBush. If I didn't care I would love the cruel xian god; if I didn't care, I would be able to sleep nights; if I didn't care, I would be someone else, someone that I wouldn't want to even know existed.

If I didn't care, I would worry about the eight syllables in the second line of today's haiku.

I am so happy that I have been entrusted with caring for the people of this world. To me, health care is the epitome of human life. To diagnose is nice; to treat is wonderful; to cure is exquisite; to care is supreme.

Damn, I like that last paragraph. Sometimes I surprise me.

I do need to boil that down to a haiku. 5,7,5.

OK, a haiku contest: Please do it for me, OK?

I've got a coupla ideas, but I'll wait and see what you all have to say.

In other news:I got up on time, got to work on time, work wasn't bad, got off on time, Karen has the arrangements for GED's funeral made, memorial/visitation tomorrow night, funeral Thursday at 16:30. I'll probably be going with her tomorrow night to Parsons and then be back to work on Friday. She'll be back here in about an hour, and I'll be so glad to see her!

My life, right now, is in flux; I need to make so big decisions, and they should be easy, but they're not.

I am ripped between my intellect and my heart, my experience and my desire, my sloth and my paltry ambition.

I want for clarity.

What I really need is three or four lifetimes, so I can adequately test each decision; but I am denied that. Damn you, nature, for being so insensitive.