Nilknarf News

I'm back to going in at 08:00 again, finally. Which means that I should get off at 16:30, which I did today.

Still feeling slightly better, but not impressively so. I think that it's colitis (not the ulcerative kind)(which is chronic and starts when people are *way* younger than I am), and the doc will probably treat me with a combo of antibiotics and steroids. He's pretty conservative and probably won't ask for anything invasive unless I press him for it, and I don't feel like going through a colonoscopy or sigmoidoscopy right now.

And, as usual, I reserve the right to be completely wrong.

So I'll go in to see him at 09:00 and then go to work afterwards, first filling any scripts that he might give me.

20:04...
I just finished watching Donahue... Karen went out with Kim and Lacee and Patrick to celebrate patrick's birthday at Applebee's, I decided to opt out of that one, hoping that I didn't hurt Patrick's feelings. I'm pretty sure that they didn't miss me at all.

I mentioned Rod Steiger the other night on Larry King, talking about depression. I kinda made light of it, but he said something that really moved me. He stated that one of the ways depression hit him was that he was afraid that people would find out how incompetent he was.

Well, I kinda go back and forth on that one. Most of the time I don't think about it, but when I do... I realize that I'm still feeling a lot like I did in high school. Mostly a fake.

Of course, I wasn't depressed then.

Uh, well. Maybe I was. Maybe I still am.

But dammit, most of the time I don't *feel* like an adult. I feel like I'm still playing with life. Adults don't usually enjoy their jobs... I've seen them, they hate their jobs. They only work for the money, and that doesn't make them happy, it just gives them... things. They are diminished by those things, I've noticed.

And I can't really maintain a single train of thought, either. I'm thinking how cool it would have been to have lived a century ago, when everything hadn't already been discovered. And then I think of all of the things that are still left to be discovered and I'm ashamed of my thinking.

It's really, really unlikely that I would have, or will, discover anything of value, nonetheless. But it's fun thinking about it.

Well, I was having fun thinking about a lot of things, but not now... I just heard that they found the body of a 5-year old girl in California. Life is really shitty for a lot of people.

Which reminds me of something a cop told a kid in the ER... life is hard, and it's especially hard if you're stupid. WTF kind of world would allow someone to harm a five-year-old? Innocents pay for the insanities... I think that it has always been that way.

Back to my fears... I fear that the world will find out how vulnerable that I am, how fragile I am. So I project that I am neither... and the world seems to buy it, for the most part. I am not that far removed from innocence, most of us aren't. We hope that the world doesn't crush us and our hopes and our needs and our fears... and we know that it will if it wants to, and there's not a damned thing that we can do about it. Crying, pleading, praying are equally ineffective, the world rolls on, it will roll on.