Nilknarf News

Well, so far I haven't been able to get on-line long enough to put Sunday's entry up, so I thought that I'd just run this right along behind it, so to speak. Of course, these entries will be separated in the archives, as they should be.

The cable people are supposed to be here tomorrow between 17:00 and 19:00. I'm on call (again!) but I should be able to be here, since there will be three CT people on after 16:30, my normal time off.

Today was pretty much a breeze at work... in fact, I left at 14:30, we only had two more scheduled patients to get there, one at 15:00 and one at 16:00, and they were easy cases. Plus, I got all of that OT on Sunday, I won't have to use my vacation hours.

So... I got home and something weird and unusual happened... I felt like cleaning! And I picked the computer room. Even weirder, I actually did it! Well, most of it, until exhaustion set in. I have lots of orderly piles sitting around now, and it actually looks somewhat organized, that's 'cause it is. I also ran across lots of mementos, cards from people that I love, and a hand-made card from Mom to JD on his 18th birthday, I'll have to remember to show that to him next time he comes up....

Anyway, yesterday I said that I'd talk about my immortality, so that's what I'll do.

Most of you know, I've knocked on death's door a few times. Close calls, all. And I've had a lot of time to reflect on that, beginning in 1989... November 15th, about 09:15, to be specific.

I can talk about dying like I don't really care... I can project a really caviler attitude about it. And I mean it, every word.

I have no illusions about life after death. I don't *know* what's going to happen, but I'm really, really sure that I'm not going to go anywhere, and I'm not going to suddenly be a frog or a goat or a cow or a fish or a rock. Well, maybe a rock...

My essence is formed by my brain, and when that brain (*my* brain!) stops working, I will stop existing. Pretty simple concept.

Incidentally, I think that where most religions have gone wrong with the heaven concept is that pets and other animals aren't allowed. The "soul" deal is pretty hard to swallow, after all. Unless you never question anything that people tell you....

But back to me, and my brain, and my, uh, essence. My *me-ness*, if you will. When I die, it will be gone, gone, gone. My body, if left to itself, will rot and turn to dust. Notice I didn't say REturn to dust... I never was dust, not once. Well, unless my individual atoms were dust once.... well, I guess that they were, once upon a time, heh. OK, I was.

This is really hard for me to swallow, but not quite as hard a the *soul* deal. Can't swallow that at all.

So, I'm dead... I quit existing. I keep thinking, no, that can't really happen. I don't like that. I really, really don't like that. I like living, and there are a lot of things that I want ot do, and no matter how long I live I'll never live long enough to do them. I want to keep on living.

Or maybe, what IF... IF I just kinda slip into somebody else's body and take over their minds? How can I do that? Is there a way? Or maybe it'll just kinda happen when I die?

But wait... nobody has taken over *my* body, have they? Well, no. But people *do* talk of "Past Lives" and believe that they used to be someone else...

Well, yeah, and there are a large number of people who honestly think that they're the messiah, too. But they ain't.

Once again, I need to bring this back into focus: When I die, I'm dead. Gone forever. I will be just like I was for all of those millions and billions of years before I was born.

Yeah, that scares me. Infinity scares me, and forever scares me.

I really hate being scared. It makes me really edgy and sends me into atrial fibrillation, and that's not a good thing.

So, to avoid being scared, I try to think of myself as immortal. The rest of you folks, you're mortal, I've seen you born and I'll see you die. But me, *ME*, I'm immortal.

Hey, it works.

And I have no doubts. I know that I'm lying to myself, and I know that I'm a fool for believing me, but what can I say? You do what ya gotta do.

Death, when it does come, will be a surprise. Most of the time I like surprises. I hope to at least have enough time to laugh... it'll probably just be a giggle, but I promise that I'll do the best that I can.

Whatever... it will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I hope to go with my eyes open. Dying in your sleep would be such a bore.

Tomorrow I will speculate on... something, I don't know what.

O'yeah... a poem instead of a picture!