And I did get a pretty good nap yesterday, I slept past 19:30, hit the snooze alarm twice. I hate it when I do that.
Pretty pud night, too. No running, but no long breaks either, just steady. No complaints.
Monday morning I read the obituary of a patient that I was very fond of, and when I left work Sunday morning I thought that she was over the worst of it and on her way to getting well... I was obviously wrong.
I'd followed this lady pretty closely since the day she came in through the ED, and she did have some major problems. She had surgery that morning and they found a bleed in her bowel and resected that and that should have been all of it... but no.
To start off with, she was rather elderly, but she seemed in pretty good shape for her age, I thought. But she didn't have the physical resources to survive, dammit. I had a small acquaintance with her husband and daughter, they seemed like really nice people too.
You can just never, ever take things for granted. Not someone elses' life, not your own.
Yesterday I was doing some searching for something that I had written here several years ago, and I ran across an entry bemoaning the fact that I was middle-aged. That started me thinking about that again, only this time I'm not bemoaning the fact, I'm celebrating it. I'm happy to be alive, and I'm happy every day. As I have said before, everything since my first coronary has been gravy, even if it is saltless.
Speaking of salt... I do really good at avoiding that. And I really try to watch my diet... but that's all for naught since I do continue to smoke them damned cigarettes.
I am in awe at my continuing stupidity, at my seemingly self-destructive behavior. I know that it's completely, 100% a head thing... not the nicotine itself, but the habit. And I just don't know how to get out of that... well, macho is probably the best word... mood or mindset.
It's like I'm defiant of the world... defiant of my own mortality. I know that I can have another coronary or a stroke or an aneurysm bust any second... but I can't really believe it. What, me, die? No Way, Jack!
Defiant of the all-too-obvious reality.
Defying reality is pretty stupid. And I don't really think that I'm stupid. At least I'm not in other areas of my life. Well, except for money, I'm pretty stupid there, too, I guess. But that's off the subject.
And, speaking of the subject... I've done this to death already in previous posts. Time to quit talking and do something? Riiiiiight. I'm waiting until I go on days. Which will be... uh... sometime. Maybe sometime soon, I dunno.
I'll be in bed soon, I know that.