Well, I have made good on my resolve to stay up very late. I got my report done and sent off (in a way) to Ryan at Diarist.net.
I'm wondering...
Is this a common human failing, or something unique to me? I don't really want to be unique in such a fashion.
Lately I have so damned many things that I want to get done, and it's really a bunch of individual tasks, but it all comes under the heading of "finish the damned kitchen!" and it seems like I go and go and even though I get stuff done every day the final goal is still a long long ways away.
And then I spin my wheels, not knowing which way to turn, which task to start on or to finish, how to best utilize my limited time and resources... starting on something, getting it half-way done, realizing that I need to do something else more important, starting on that... on and on and on...
I guess you could say that I'm frustrated. Yep, that's it. Better than being depressed, though.
On a lighter note... as I'm sitting here listening to Blues in the Night on KANU, the public station out of Lawrence... it's a beautiful, crisp late fall night. The stars are so bright and clear that I feel sucked up by them, face upturned to their wonder until my feet start getting cold... I stood outside for five minutes after I finished my cigarette, entranced, until I got a crick in my neck.
Stars... we know so little, but so much more than our fathers knew. Orion, the old warrior, the old god-in-the-sky... a god, as they all are, of people with too much gullibility and too little sense... he's still there, in spite of the fact that nobody has believed in him for centuries, and never will again. I cannot look at the constellation without thinking of the people who actually believed that shit. Or did they, really, or did they just find it a good way to memorize the star pattern?
Were there men then who looked upon the world with eyes that saw, brains that reasoned, minds that scoffed at the religions that their fellows fell down before? There had to have been...
I don't know enough. Even about my lack of the ability to believe, to have faith in things that are not seen, words that have never been uttered, miracles that can not happen.
I so know enough to know that when I start rambling like this, it's time to get some sleep. More later, or maybe not...
18:54...
Earlier this morning, when I was half-asleep, I decided to check my internet settings and I messed them all up. I don't know why I do stuff like that... anyway, I could connect, but nothing else would work. It took me a few minutes to remember what I'd done, while I was getting ready to look up my ISPs number... that would have been embarrassing.
Nothing else going on, that I know of. I guess I'm ready for another week of work. I'd better be, anyway... I got a call on the machine from my supervisor, I was supposed to go in Monday and get my knee rechecked, but I forgot about it... so I need to go in in the morning, I guess.
And the knee is doing a lot better... I've been really careful with it this week, and the constant pain is gone. I still get pain when I try pivoting on it, though. I suppose that's to be expected for a while longer.
Earlier this week, Karen and I were taking a shower together and I realized that I hadn't cut my hair for about three weeks. I asked her if I should let it grow again, and her immediate and firm answer was a terse "No!" so I gave up on that idea... it was a bad idea anyway, hair is too damned much trouble and I don't really care about it anyway. In fact, I don't even know why I'm mentioning it...
The insurance adjuster was supposed to call about the caddy yesterday... and he didn't. I thought that maybe he'd call today, but he didn't. Time to get a lawyer, dammit.
Andy has loaned us a vehicle, a '90 Subaru wagon, that Karen has been driving, so for right now we're OK, but he's trying to sell his third car, so it's a very temporary fix of the problem...
More tomorrow...
I spend a lot of time feeling bad because I can't get everything done that I want to, and completely overlook the fact that I get a helluva lot done... when I'm not feeling bad about doing enough.
I had a good 12 hours of sleep, and I feel sore and cranky. Too much sleep? Not likely... I just haven't woke up yet.