Of the night-----
Lacee is back after spending the week with her "Kansas City Grandma" and it was nice to see her. Patrick also spent a couple of days up there. And Brian is here this weekend too. And Ric and Debbie and Jeff are going to be here too.
I will spend a lot of time in the basement, I think.
Not that I don't like everybody... I just seem to get frazzeled when there are so many people around... old age, I guess?
And it has been an exceptionally bad week for sleeping. Four hours today, three yesterday, four the day before. That all by itself wears me out.
I guess that I need to write a rant about smoking, since I started the Smoke-Ring. So here it is...
Smoking is bad for you.
For your health and for the people around you.
Smoking kills people.
I've known all of this for about 20 years... yet I continue to smoke. Why? Am I just stupid, as people claim? I don't consider myself particularly stupid... quite the opposite. I have known people who were really pretty stupid that quit smoking rather easily. And I have known people who are pretty smart that can't.
I've known stupid people that couldn't, too, and smart people that did quit very easily.
So I don't really think that smart/stupid is part of the equation.
So... what the hell is it?
Most of you know my history... I've had two MIs - heart attacks - and I haven't made any progress in quitting smoking. Been through every program available to no avail. Sick of smoking and absolutely unable to quit. So far... I haven't given up.
I do think that a good part of it is that people - really, society in general - are pushing my buttons. They want me to quit so badly for my own good that my reaction is what it is when anyone pushes my buttons "for my own good"... I push back. Fuck you, I don't have to do what you tell me to.
Cutting off my nose to spite my face.
My response to self-righteousness is even stronger self-righteousness. this is not a becoming trait, and I'm fully aware of that.
So yes, they're right. But if I give in to them on this point, they are going to think that they can run my life. And I don't want that to happen. Next thing you know, they'll be telling me that I have to go to church and believe in god "for my own good".
So... I should do what? Smoke and die, to prove my point? That seems to be what is happening. Armed with this knowledge, I should be able to just say, "OK, fuck 'em, let them be right just this once" but I don't seem to be able to let go of it.
The alternative? Having them shake their heads at my funeral, saying "I told him so..."
How did I let myself get trapped in this enigma, anyway? I was just going along living my life and shit started happening. This is bad for you and that is bad for you and scientists have been proven to cause cancer in laboratory rats...
Well, anyhoo... as much as I hate to beat a dead horse between a rock and a hard place after switching in mid-stream and then riding off into the sunset... I'm going to do it again. Monday will be the last day that I smoke. For those of you who have been down this road on this dead horse before, bear with me.
I am reminded of something that the Gus said after one of my failed attempts... something about how he was expecting a happy ending and it didn't happen. Yeah, that's life, folks... and in particular, this is my life. Anything can happen, including happy endings, and with enough will power, dead horses can be ridden off into the sunset.
But mostly they don't move and start to stink after a few days, especially after being beaten...
Back home again. It was a long night... I only had six or seven patients from the ED. Quite a surprise for a Friday night... one that I deserved.
This job is physically beating me up. I love it, and I can feel my damned body going downhill from it. Lack of sleep is a big factor, and hard physical work for a man my age is another... Some of my work involves pushing
buttons, of course, but most of it is getting patients into the right positions. Manual labor, in many cases. And some of these folks are really really heavy, and no help whatsoever. I do get help whenever it is available, naturally, but that isn't too often.
But I am a damned good radiographer, if I do say so myself. And I love it... and I would hate to give it up....
But I would in a minute if I could be the radiology systems manager... hopefully an upcoming thing. I've kinda decided that if that doesn't happen, I'm gonna have to look for other employment. Anyone got a job for me out there?
Enough for now. I've got to figger out if I'm going to stay up or go to bed... and I'm really leaning toward sleeping the next twenty-four hours...
Today's image is brought to you by majik... like I ever really had hair like that!
PS... I've got a lot of unanswered email in my box... been waiting for a clear head to answer it... probably after I get 24-36 hours of sleep! Thanx for being patient!
You are being patient, aren't you???? ....