Monday, October 13, 1997 14:45

A nice, cool, crisp autumn day.

I got up this morning at 05:30; Karen kept pulling all of the covers off of me. She never does that, I wonder why she started and how I can get her to stop. We have the window open and it was very cool in there this morning; we haven't turned the furnace on yet, I want to avoid doing that as long as possible.

So, I got up, made a pot of coffee and read the paper. I turned on the TV to catch the latest news, and heard that John Denver was killed. Damn. Rocky Mountain High, Country Roads, lotsa good songs.

So I went back to sleep after Karen left for work, slept another four hours. Really hard getting to sleep and staying asleep with this damned cough.

There is a new smoking cessation program in town, sponsored by my hospital, St. Francis. I'm gonna give it a try, but I'm not really enthusiastic about it. I'm just not very enthusiastic about anything lately, and I'm getting tired of that. Almost like I'm depressed again, but not really.

Everything is just blah! I'm in a rut. I need to be doing some fun stuff or something. My life seems purposeless, goal-less, stagnant. And I seem to lack the will to change it right now.

I need a hobby. No, wait, this is my hobby. What I need is a life.

Everything I do, everything I see, everything I think seems to be focused on this journal. If I see a sunset, I'm thinking, if I had a digital camera, that sure would look nice on my front page. When Lacee says something cute, I'm thinking, how can I work that into a journal entry. When I look at Karen and think, gee, I love her so much, how can I say that in the journal and not make it sound so cheezy and boring?

Email... I live for email. I got one from Ina, in Sweden, this morning, regarding green fluid (from Yesterday's entry). She says that a product similar to Kotex is using pink fluid in their advertisements, just started a week ago. A stalwart blow for TRUTH!

Ahhh, but does it matter? Most likely not. In the long run, what really matters? Nothing, not in the long run.

In the "short run" what matters? Simply being happy and satisfied and making those around you happy and satisfied? That's too boring, but it seems to be where we all want to be. I need some excitement, some adrenalin flowing, at least occasionally. But I steer my life away from there, opting instead for safety, security.

How can I maintain some measure of safety and security and still get the occasional jolt of adrenalin?

Work does that for me.... that's why I usually love my work. The excitement is built-in. The adrenalin rush is not from my pain or life-threatening experience, but from someone else's. I remain safe and secure, but I get to work in a high-tech environment where lives are on the line. I am on the team that is responsible for those lives.

The weeks that I am off, I just seem to drift, unless I have specific projects that I'm working on, or places to go/things to do. Short-term goals... filling in my life until I can go back to work at the hospital. Killing time until I can get back to my real life.

It really seems strange to be thinking this out and writing it down here. I'm just kinda thinking this all out, and the world knows about it just about as soon as I do. I think that's why I'm doing this.

But the point of this exercise is not to just figger out what is happening, but to figger out what to do about it. And I haven't been there yet. Geez, gimmee a break! I just got here. after all!

So... I need to rustle up some excitement. However, most of the usual avenues of middle-aged men's excitement are closed to me. I don't want to learn how to play golf, and I don't want to have an affair (I'm way to monogamous for that...). Bass fishing is somewhat exciting, but not that much. And I've been through the part with the fast foreign convertible...

And there's not much excitement on the 'net, either.

Anyone out there got any good ideas of how I need to live my life? Let me know! O'wait! No, Jeezus is not the answer, don't do that to me!