Monday, 18 August, 1997 08:42

A very strange night. I went to bed before Karen; we had watched Mother with Debbie Reynolds. An amusing movie... hilarious, actually. Then Karen stayed up and watched TV. I was absolutely tuckered, and went right to sleep when my head hit the pillow.

And suffered an unending night of nightmares. I remember screaming three times during the last one, and I woke Karen up. I had a terrible headache, so I got up and took some ibuprophin, which seems to be handling it pretty well.

And I can't remember anything of my dreams at all. Even right after I woke up, I couldn't. This frustrates me. If I'm suffering enough to scream in my sleep, I at least want the fucking memory that goes with it. It would be fun to write about, probably.

Another minus... I feel like I haven't slept at all.

I ran out of cigarettes last night, and so did Tyler. Luckily, I had found a pack of Hav-a-Tampa Jewels that I bought before my ill-fated Lake Fork trip. Ok, yeah, they're six months old (and that was just how long I've had them...) but it's smokable tobacco. I had toyed with the idea of quitting last night ( I wonder if my nightmares could be attributed to thoughts like that?) but I found upon awakening that I really don't want to do that just right now. OK, no guts. No will-power. No shit.

On a more pleasant subject: Thirteen years of wedded bliss. There is no sarcasm in that statement at all. Married to my Best Friend. Is life great, or what? I do have a major problem, though.

For the first twelve years of our marriage, I wrote poems for every occasion for Karen. Birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines day, Saturday.... you name it. Suddenly, I lost the ability to do that. I don't know why, but everything I've tried to write to Karen in the last year has been stilted, fake, simply pathetic. Most of it I haven't even showed her, it was so bad.

Kind of a specific writer's block. Like I've said all that I am able to say, so I'm stuck with repeating myself or copying others. And I can't do that.

But my pride won't allow me to go buy a Hallmark Moment for her. Stupid pride. I'm gonna do it anyway.

Soon we will be off. We will return tomorrow, and I'll have a report for you (and me) Tuesday evening.