Nilknarf Journal

24 JULY 1997

24 July 1997 09:16 This was a very tiring night. I think that ordeal yesterday with the heat stroke/exhaustion stayed with me. I started getting leg cramps later in the night, and just generally felt like shit. No mercy from the workload, though. Plus a lot more extra filework, one of the file clerks is off sick, another quit and hasn't been replaced. So besides more filing work that needs to get done, almost everything that is being done is being done incorrectly. Part of my job is to retrieve the old xray jackets on patients that I do throughout the night, so the new films can be compared to the old films. If they're misfiled, it takes a lot longer to find them, if I can find them at all. This is a real pain in the ass; some nights are hard enough without having to play detective: "Hmmm... if I was really overworked and confused and harrassed, where would I put Suzie Smith's folder?"

Enough of that. I did get a chance to visit a little last night, and I said some very clever things to people, and they said some clever things back. I can't for the life of me remember what they were, though. I need to start carrying around a notebook or a recorder. Or try to maintain a clearer mind, so I can remember this shit.

And that's enough of everything. Bedtime, big time! More later....

24 July 1997 19:12 I'm confused.
Those of you who read this often understand that this is a continuing state, but this is a specific confusion.

WIN95 is confusing me, and I thought that I had it all figgered out. It seems that I have multiple user config files, and none of them seem to correspond with what I'm actually doing. Therefore, I don't know what to change to get what I want... even if I knew what I want.

I did manage to get my mail back... what I had received between Friday (the big crash) and Monday (the slightly smaller crash) and that makes me pretty happy, because it had my registration number for HomeSite 2.5 in it. I still lost everything in my Inbox, though. Other stuff that I had placed in folders was saved... but I leave my mail that I want to reply to in my inbox, dammit. Anyway, my numbers are now safely printed out. For some reason, I do not want the HomeSite people to know what a fool I am... although I don't mind telling you, I don't know why that works that way, but it does...

Pretty crummy days' worth of sleep. I was awake every two hours, wondering if I should get up. I went from 10:00 to 18:00 that way before I finally got up. That's eight hours of shoulda-been-sleeping, for a total of about four.

That is not enough for me. I will grin and bear it, though, for I have no choice in the matter. Work must be done. Quotas must be met. Time must be spent. Argh. Very rarely, I find myself thinking... fourteen more years, then I can retire... probably more like sixteen, if they raise the age for retirement. And that is really strange, because with my ticker, I am very unlikely to last that long, but I seem to be able to drive that deep into my subconscious most of the time. This is a survival issue; the Prozac can only do so much, and there are matters that should not be dwelled upon, for it would not profit me a bit to stare at reality constantly. And the reality that my productive life is coming to a close much more rapidly than I can bear to think of is depressing; I do not want to live the rest of my life, no matter how many days or years that is, being depressed. Push that shit way down there, live life. Enjoy life, that's what it's there for.

I'm going to get out of here, before I depress myself.

An additional little piece of irritation: Uncle Bucks' line is busy too much.