06:39 02/19/97: Getting ready to go to bed; it's been a long night. Sitting here in front of the machine for most of it, although I did get a loaf of bread baked.

My brother Dan called last night, and we talked for quite a while. One of the things we tried to accomplish was editing his WIN95 registry. It will not let him uninstall Microsoft Internet Explorer 3.0. Ah, I can hear your unbelieving gasps all the way to Topeka! Why on earth would anyone want to uninstall such a sterling product? It's a short and common story: it doesn't seem to be very compatible with his brand spanking new Gateway 200P. Why this is, I haven't a clue. However, in the registry, where there should be a pointer to the uninstall path & program, there is nothing. And we couldn't get it to be anything, hard as we tried. I know that I've used the registry editor (regedit) to add text strings... but I can't do it now. I had a chance to impress my brother and I blew it.

More interestingly, we talked about depression in general, and my current mood in particular. And about smoking, and how everything kinda ties together. Dan gave me a lot to think about, and I been a-thinkin'. But I need to think a lot more, about a lot of different things.

Essentially, about why I want to kill myself. Why my subconscious self feels differently about life than I do. Is this what is happening to my stop-smoking efforts? If it is, what the fuck can I do about it? There is no doubt in my mind that something like this is going on... that I don't really want to quit smoking, that I'm using it (smoking) as a symbol of something that I'm fighting for against the world. That is one hell of a convoluted sentence. My current angst is centered on a rebellion against the type of people who abhor smoking and smokers. The type of people who have degrees and scorn those who don't. Therefore, by smoking (and dying from it) I will show them! There; that makes sense now, doesn't it?

Ray Whiting (of Whitings Writings has an interesting story about education in his entry for yesterday (02/18/97). Go read it and come back. Well, don't come back; I'm done. Sorry, no pictures today...

Wait! Don't go yet! I forgot something!

One additional note: Tracy Lee is retiring from the journaling world. I'll miss her. This is the note I sent her when I read her last entry...