In the Middle of the Night...

There is no spirit, no soul;
There is flesh and blood and bone
And brains; and brains...
Are only flesh and blood too.
Me, 10 Feb 1997

Like I said yesterday, I been thinking. Not really about smoking, but about what makes me the way that I am. Specifically, why I continue my self-destructive behavior.

I have come to a conclusion, kinda. That conclusion gives me no answer, but it does provide me with a basis to continue thinking about the subject.

There are actually two conclusions: the first is that I want attention. I do that by defying death, in the same way that Evil Knevil did, only different. I can think of several things during my childhood and young adulthood that support this conclusion. Riding my bike without any hands. Driving like a teen-age jerk. Drinking like a fish. Putting my life on the line for fun, for kicks, for attention. I couldn't do anything really well to get attention, so I did crazy things.

The second thing is even harder for me to understand and apply.... I like living on the edge, not just for the attention I get, but just for the sheer hell of it. I get adrenaline from the fear, I guess. But my life is engineered to keep me out of danger. Ergo, the cigarettes. The death-defying act of smoking fulfills my wish for danger or maybe it's adventure.

It was suggested several months ago by a reader (I think it was Mike) that I would get ahead if I could figger out why I started smoking in the first place, and why I continued. This has been fermenting ever since then, and it's making more and more sense as I progress.

And I feel like I am progressing. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting a lot closer.

In unrelated matters... yes, Joe, the goddamned music works!
I've decided to keep a permanent backup of Open Pages on the front page. Seems that they're down again...

Busy night last night. We had a three-hour code blue in the ED that used us a lot of resources. And it continues spitting snow occasionally, still no accumulation. Spring is creeping up on us, and with it, the Lake Fork Trip! I'm starting to get enthusiastic... I hope that I remember how to fish...