17:31 06/02/97 Snowing. Supposed to get 3-6" by tomorrow AM. I like the snow. It makes my yard look a lot better, anyway. And it makes for exciting times at work, you know, those people who think that they know how to drive on slick roads, especially after they've had a few drinks.

Shit. I thought I had life all figgered out. Strike that, I thought I had me all figgered out. Wrong again. I'm depressed. I'm disappointed. I don't really think that I'm unhappy that I didn't get the job, but I am disappointed in the choice that was made. I don't think that I can adequately explain that on-line, you'll just have to trust me on this one.

I sound bitter, and I hate sounding bitter. I often do it sarcastically, but not this time. And I really hate to admit it to myself. I'm bitter. I'm seriously thinking of leaving medicine altogether and doing something that I can be proud of. I have been proud of what I do as long as I have been doing it, and I have been proud of my institution. Working for this hospital has never been just a job for me, I've got a lot of emotional investment there. Stupid, I know. Institutional loyalty goes one way... what seems to have happened is to me the epitome of what is the matter with the medical profession as a whole. Too many educated people not doing actual medical work interfering with those of us who do.

On a happier note, Lisa is approaching her 21st birthday. We want to do something really nice for her, and will be doing something in conjunction with her parents.

I'm trying to think of what I can do to make money. A month or so I was talking about simplifying my life, but just going on welfare would be way too simple. What I need is a software-type job making about twice what I make now. That would immediately put me in the loyal employee ranks for whatever wonderful place would do that. Any offers? Anyone out there need a grateful employee? Most of my programming skills are a bit rusty, but they could be brought up to par pretty easily. I was once an expert database programmer using Fox+ but I have not kept up with that very well either. I suppose I could be considered by some to be a Win95 guru, but that and a dollar will buy me a cup of coffee.

The main things that I could offer a prospective employer are enthusiasm and loyalty and the willingness and ability to learn. And all I would want in return is a lot of money.

There has been a spate of home-building in Topeka these last few years... quarter-million dollar houses. Lots and lots of them. How is it that we have so damned many people in Topeka that can afford quarter-million dollar houses? I feel like I am completely out of the loop. I don't know anyone who is living in quarter-million dollar houses except for physicians, and there aren't that many of those around. Am I just stupid? Where is this money coming from?

The snow continues. I'm going to drive the Saab to work tonight, it does really well on slick roads. And when I get home in the morning, Karen will have a nicely-warmed-up car to drive to work.

I will write some more at work tonight or in the morning, depending on how the night goes.

07:52: A busy night, but I did do a lot of reflection. And I did something that I've never done before... I edited some stuff out of the earlier part of this entry.

My sleep yesterday was not good... nightmares, which I seldom have. And not the fun kind, either. The most likely cause was anger. I'm not angry very often, either. My earlier words portrayed that anger well, but misdirected it. I've worked through the anger pretty well now, I think. It's not something that I can do anything about, so I'm not going to worry about it any more.

Speaking of sleep, I've been doing really well the last two weeks. I need to figger this out so I can replicate it. Have I said that before? It sounds familiar...

Again, speaking of sleep, I'm going to do that now....