I'm trying to figger out how honest I should be. Or dishonest. No, that's not right. I know that I should continue being scrupulously honest, as I have been in the past.

Maybe I can just talk about something else...

OK, I had a little slip-up. Well, that's not really really honest. I fucked up. There. That's more honest, anyway. I still don't like saying it very much, though. The difference in the connotation between "a little slip-up" and a "fuck-up" is pretty significant.

Actually, I really considered not even mentioning it here. Just kinda like pretend that it didn't happen. But I couldn't do that to you or to myself.

And I did it all by myself, too.

Three times yesterday I went out to the truck to go buy some cigarettes. I stopped myself twice. After the second time, I put on a fresh patch. It still didn't work. So I went out and bought a pack. Smoked about half of them. Crushed the rest, thoroughly disgusted with myself.

I guess I've given up on it for right now. And I hate it.

I kept Lacee last night while Steve went bowling; he picked her up at about 21:00, then I wrote a little bit and went to sleep. I slept until 02:30, when I woke up wanting to smoke. Got up, put on a patch, fiddled around for a half-hour, took the patch off and went out into the cold and bought another pack. Sitting here smoking and writing.

I really hope that you all aren't too disappointed in me. I did try... just not hard enough, I guess. I'm going to quit again on Sunday when Karen gets home. Not that I need Karen to quit, but she will make it really hard on me if I don't. Or maybe I do need her. I need her for everything else in my life... but I won't blame my fuck-up on her absence.

More later....

Sitting here smoking and listening to the K-State/KU football game on the radio. There is no TV coverage of the game, it seems that the Big-12 conference doesn't think that it's an important game. I guess, in the larger scheme of things, it isn't. In the larger scheme of things, no football game is important. Actually, no human endeavor is important. Even me quitting smoking. Speaking of which, I have three cigarettes left, then it's back to the patch. My level of confidence isn't really great, however, but I am gonna jump right back in anyway. And I'm gonna keep at it until it works. I may have lost the battle, but I haven't lost the war yet. And I won't, either.

It's obvious to me that I have to do something different. I've had a lot of suggestions, one is really interesting. Writing down how I got started smoking in the first place, way back when. "If you successfully deconstruct the origins of your smoking, it seems logical that you would have done yourself a service on this, the (hopefully) the other end of the addiction." This is from Gus. Good idea, Gus! Thanx!

I've had a lot of very supportive email today; Nobody seems to be really upset with me. I really do appreciate it. Left to my disgusting self, I would probably just continue smoking. But there are a lot of people who think that I can succeed, and I'm gonna prove them right. It just didn't happen the first time, is all. The game's not over 'til the fat lady sings...

Let's see... the war's not lost, the game's not over... are there any other trite allegories that I can drag in here?

OK. Smoking my last fucking cigarette. It's 15:23. I'll be done with it at 15:28. I'm going to go take a shower, brush my teeth, put on a patch, get dressed and get busy doing something. I don't know what, right now. I think that I'll start a load of washing and clean up the kitchen for starters. Bake some bread. Fix the gutters. Clean off the back deck. Clean the garage. I've got all kinds of stuff that needs doing. OK, done with that last fucking cigarette.. Check my mail, first thing. Then onward and upward. Up into the wild blue yonder. I just had to get another trite allegory in there!

Sitting here not smoking. I got some email from Cara, letting me know that she's linked to my November essay

And I was gently chided by a regular reader. Actually, a couple of regular readers. Not surprising; and it does let me know that they care. I like that part.

So far, I'm staying pretty busy. Getting stuff done. Not thinking about smoking, except occasionally. Confidence going up. Maybe this was just a little slip-up, an adjustment. Nah. It's what I said it was, a fuck-up. But it's over now, I'm back on the straight and narrow again. And planning on staying that way, too.

All of my off-line friends have been going through this with me for years. They seem to have unending patience with me. And so do my on-line friends, it seems.

Herman and Debi have invited me out to watch the Tyson fight with them tonight; Debi promised food, so I think I'll go. I told her that Karen was in KC, and she said that I could come out by myself anyway, but she was a bit hesitant about it. Then I told her that she could invite one of her single girlfriends out for me... she was very indignant until she figgered out that I was joking.

Herman had a scare this morning and wound up in the hospital for most of the day. They did a CT and all kinds of blood work on him and monitored him for eight hours, but found nothing wrong at all, so he's on his way home now. I hope he's doing OK, I'll be able to check him out tonight.

Time for another load of laundry, so I think I'll close this for tonight

I do appreciate all of the e-support that you have given me.