I arrived home in time to help Karen put the finishing touches on her costume... a black cat. I got to pin her tail on and paint her whiskers!
And Now....
Time for another edition of....
It was kinda sparse at Med-assist tonight, too. Hanging around, waiting for the patients to trickle in. Nothing really interesting or unusual. What I'm trying to say is bor-ing!
The unfortunate part is... I need some excitement, just to keep me awake. I finally did get another hours' worth of sleep yesterday, but that sure wasn't enough. Thinking about yesterday, I wrote enough for several days' entries yesterday. I think that I might have written everything that I know that might be useful. Now I'm empty of wisdom, humor and wit. Blew it all on one day. I just gotta go find some more, I guess. Where does that come from, anyway? From sleeping, maybe? No wonder.
Smoking. Smoking and counting cigarettes. Six left now. Barely enough to make it to 07:00, my cut-off time. I might have to do some bummin' to make it. That's OK, I been bummed a lot, I can bum right back. No pay backs promised now, though.
I will be really glad to have this night ended. If I had my patches with me, I'd quit right now. But if I threw these six away, I'd just be bummin' earlier. I'd rather not do that.
I'm getting nervous now. Three-and-a-half hours away. I've got to do it this time. No more sorry excuses... I don't want to have to go through this again. I've been here too many times already, and I've let it slip away. Wasted my time and energy because I didn't have the guts to stick with it. I'm tired of thinking that way about myself. I'm better that those fuckin' cigarettes. I have other drugs. Actually, the same drug (nicotine) although that doesn't really count for much. I've gotten past the physical craving part many times. It's the psychological part that gets me. I know, I know, the psychological part is physical, too, our brains are physical. Our thoughts are governed by the chemistry of our brains. And the chemicals of my brain say "I want nicotine!". The patch doesn't really help that part, only delays the action a little so that we can adjust to not actually physically smoking.
I need to go back and read the journal entries from the last time I tried to quit... maybe I can learn something from that experience.
Or maybe not.
One of the quit smoking classes that I have gone to... I can't remember which one... preached that the danger zones after you quit smoking were when you got:
So, I need to sleep, eat right and relax. I think that it can be done. I plan on using my excess energy exercising with the weight machine and the treadmill. That should help me both relax and sleep. I just really have to concentrate on the eating. My usual response to hunger is, of course, to light up. That will no longer be an option. So I have to keep some healthy stuff around to eat. Chocolate and candy and ice cream. No, no, no! See what I mean? Carrot sticks, lettuce, rice cakes. Yummmm yum; yummy yum yum.
O'well, what must be done must be done. And I'm the one what must do it, at least in these circumstances. So I will.
Having smoked my last cigarette, I'm going to FTP this and go to bed. Too short a day, too long a night. Need to remember to get my patch out and ready to go for when I wake up!
This is it! No More smoke!
So... three of those four things I live with constantly. I have to figger out how to minimize them, get them out of my life, at least temporarily. I very seldom get angry. I'm usually tired and stressed, and I seldom eat properly or regularly.