I thought I'd get an early start with todays' entry. No, I have no idea why I would want to do that. Yes, I do. I have something to say. I put up a list of Other (non Open Pages) Journals. It's a relatively short list right now, since most of the journals that I know about are in the Open Pages ring. The reason that I have started this page is explained on the page itself...

Still some rumblings out there about journal popularity. Personally (and also professionally, though my profession has very little to do with anything web-wise) I think it's great that any of us gets any recognition at all. After all, we're not getting hurt, and it would be silly to resent anyone who is getting helped.

But, then, people are often silly. People are often stupid, too. Most people are sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes they're something else entirely. Who's to know? Not me! I have noticed that people who have computers are never either silly or stupid, but frequently they're something else entirely.

There. That should keep me out of trouble with everyone that might be reading this. Yeah, you're OK, but let's worry about those other people!

Now that that's out of the way for another month... let's move on to other subjects. Like, what the hell am I doing staying up this late when I should be sleeping 'cause I got a lot of stuff to do today! OK, I gotta reason, for a change. I have a new computer room, and I'm enjoying it. I got everything to work (finally) and I'm getting settled in. I now have computer-related junk strewn in three separate rooms... actually, four, I left some stuff in the dining room... OK, five, I left some stuff in the kitchen, too... actually, the only place that is void of computer stuff is the bathroom (unless you count PC Week) and our bedroom. Karen is going to get on me really bad really soon, I think. Maybe I'll work on it before she actually says something that will ruin our marriage of 13 years... on the other hand, I like to get her mad every little once in a while. It never lasts very long, and I do real good apologies...

I just went out and moved the truck off of the street. I shouldn't have to do that, the fuckin' vandals should all die instead. The bill for replacing the van window was $795.00. Yeah, the insurance paid it, but still... that's about the fifteenth time our vehicles have been vandalized and/or robbed while they were here in front of our house. Say $600.00 was the average... that would buy me a damned good computer and a laptop to boot! But no, just some kids havin' fun...

Y'know, this HTML stuff is so much fun! I just love it! I really love the little calendars, they're just so neat! So is writing this journal!

This is going to do it for tonight, I think I'll go to bed and finish this up later. Actually, I'll go ahead and send it up and add on to it later... so check back! Of course, if you were on my Notification list, you wouldn't have to check back, I'd just let you know when it was posted... Later, folks...

I had not realized how gloomy the basement was until I moved my stuff back upstairs. This room is so cheerful it may affect my writing. I can look across the back deck into the park beyond, the trees are colored so beautifully. Actually, it's a pretty gloomy day, cloudy, rather cold, just like autumn frequently is here in Kansas. But still, beautiful to look at from here inside, nice and warm and cozy.

Unfortunately, I can also see ten things to do in the back yard and deck. OK, now it's up to 12. I'm gonna stop looking, they're ganging up on me. Why is human nature so perverse? I have beautiful things to look at, but no, I see the stuff that's wrong, not what's right. Stuff that I should be doing, instead of enjoying natures' beauty.

It seems that, since I'm really too lazy to do all of that stuff, I should not have to feel guilty about it. Shouldn't a large part of being lazy consist of the ability to not feel guilty? On the other hand, if I got everything done, I couldn't be a procrastinator. I am rather proud of being a world-class procrastinator, y'know.

Another subject entirely, again. Smoking, not smoking.

Reminds me of a joke. Guy in a bar asks a curvaceous girl, "Do you smoke after sex?"
She sez: "Jeez, I dunno; I never looked..."

All right, I'm begging the subject. I'm starting to get butterflies; I'm starting to think of reasons why I shouldn't quit, reasons why I shouldn't quit in two days, reasons why it would be so much easier just to start drinking again, continue smoking and die...

Well, you've figgered out, this isn't going to be easy. It's easy to say, "yeah, I'm gonna quit." I've done this numerous times. I've had schedules before, too. I've figgered out exactly how everything is going to work... and I've blown it.

It comes down to the question of discipline. And how bad I really want to do it. And I want to do it really, really bad. The main reason is health, of course. I do want to continue living. I know that my next heart attack might very well be fatal. I'm beginning to develop emphysema. I have a chronic bronchitis. I have a chronic sinusitis. I have bad teeth and gums. All of the above problems will be alleviated, if not solved, when I quit smoking.

Then there's the social thing. I'm tired of being a pariah. That's part of it. The other part is, I enjoy being a pariah. Many of my friends are pariahs. Much of the social interaction that I have at work is centered on... the smoking area. Don't get me wrong, most, if not all, of my smoking friends would like to see me not smoking. They have been very supportive in the past, and I can count on them in the future. I will miss smoking with them, and in many cases, I will miss the social interaction, 'cause I don't run into them except in the smoking area.

So... I have to make new friends, develop some social graces that don't brand me as a smoker. Hang around with people who don't have to go outside and smoke every hour or so. I think I'll make a sign to hang around my neck..."Trying to quit smoking... give me a hug". Social interaction, huh!

Most of all, I have to not feel sorry for myself. I can get into self-pity pretty easily, y'know. I have to accept the fact that I will be better off not smoking, that I am adding to my life, not subtracting something. These last few weeks, I've really been getting sick of smoking. The house smells like stale cigarettes, my clothes stink, my breath stinks...

As for the weak moments... they're only moments. I have to keep realizing that. Keep busy, get that alarm clock in my head to be silent when it rings every fifteen minutes or so. Kinda like a snooze alarm... hit it, hit it, hit it...

I'm afraid that the next week will be mostly reflections of what's going on with my quitting. I know that the subject will bore a lot of you, but I'm not going to let that bother me. Rather selfish of me, huh! It will, however, be the main focus of my life, and my life is what this is all about, after all...

There may be another addition to this page later... it's now 12:31, and I have to go find something to eat!

Listening to the Doors "Strange Days" via earphones while roving the net. I forget sometimes what a genius Morrison was.

When Karen got home, we walked over and picked up Lacee from the babysitters. Packy has a party at school tomorrow, and he has a vampire costume. However, vampires have been deemed to be too violent to appear in school. What a bunch of bullshit. So Kim had to take him out to get a new costume. Anyway, Lacee came over and then Herm and Debi came over to get a load of wood for their fireplace. Lacee was supposed to go home, but she didn't want to, so she stayed. Karen fixed spaghetti and we had a very nice candlelight dinner, with soft music in the background. Lacee cleaned her plate up completely, she was very proud of herself, and we were proud of her too. Have I mentioned lately how damned Cute Lacee is? I have? O'well, I need to keep telling you, you seem to forget really easily that she's the cutest girl in the world.

Anyway, Karen had to go over to watch Drew for a couple of hours, so I need to clean up the kitchen while she's gone so we can go out to the hot tub. We missed last night and Saturday night, too. We just need to sit and talk for a couple of hours, something's really bothering her. She recently stopped taking some medication, and I'm afraid that it's having an adverse effect on her. I think I'll talk her into taking it again. She's worried about the money, our medicine deductible is going up again the first of the year, along with some other devastating coverage changes... which we have to put up with, I'm basically uninsurable unless I stay with the same plan. Sucks, it really does. I'll have to start going to a different doc, and a different hospital, the rival of the one that I work for. Like I says, it sucks.

OK, that's all for today.

Only Two more days of having to smoke left!