I'm thinking about doing some major philosophical reorientation/reconciliation lately. I didn't really want to, but I just can't help thinking, no matter how hard I try not to.

I'm an atheist, an antixian and a nihilist. The first two go together OK, but the nihilism thing has me worried.

I'm also a little too iconoclastic without offering anything in return.

OK: So I believe there are no gods, no supernatural things. It's either natural or it doesn't exist. OK. That stands on its' own.

I'm antixian because I believe that no one can live to the fullest when they're being fooled or fooling themselves. OK, that works too.

This is the hard part now... It doesn't make any difference! In the long run, over the long haul, to the universe, to the world.... What I believe, what you believe, doesn't mean squat. Whether either of us "live life to the fullest" doesn't matter.

I just don't know. Am I thinking too hard about this? Most people do this in high school and college... then they think that they know what they're doing for the rest of their lives. Middle-aged men should know what they're doing... right? Or they at least should have that appearance...

Anyway, the long and short of it is... I'm going to shut up about it for a while. Wait, I already lied to you about that once already, you probably aren't going to believe it again. So I won't lie about it again. I'll shut up until I know what I'm talking about... Wait, again. That might be forever, I couldn't stand to do that! Ahhh... I'll just continue to muddle along, without making any promises whatsoever, then. OK. There's the plan.

SO what else... oh, yeah, Medassist was cool last night. Not really busy, but enough to stay interesting. Work at the hospital... pure hell. I had to stay awake all night. No major excitement, no minor excitement, nothing to really make the adrenalin flow at all.

The bad news... I really think that we're going to have Doggie "put to sleep". Euthenized, killed. I hate having pets. The poor thing isn't suffering, but she's getting really frail and she's nothing but skin and bones. I'm sure she's got a cancer gnawing on her, she just has that look that human cancer patients have, really indefinable, but when you've seen it a thousand times, it's readily recognizable. She can just barely walk without falling down, and she does fall down when she shakes her head. However, other times she'll just get out and run, acting just as normal as can be for a short while. I'm gonna miss her a lot. We'll still have the cats. of course, but I've always been a dog person, just recently becoming to like felines. There's nothing quite like having a dog love you. Even when you know that doggie love is basically selfish, as all other love is... they don't (usually) bite the hand that feeds them. They've found that happy dogs who love their masters live longer and get fed better... we breed them specifically for that characteristic.

Karen told me last night that she thinks we're being selfish keeping her alive... we should just go ahead and do it. So we probably will do it this week. Shit.

Something new... thoughts composed while in the midst of sleeplessness. The first... I must'a been dreaming department... Sometime between 16:00 and 16:35 on NPR on 10/02/96 I heard something about sound being engineered into ice cubes. At the time it made sense. It no longer does. This guy had six different sounds... brass instruments, he said, built into these ice cubes. So you could have music while you were drinking. This was from some (probably government-funded) "sound Lab" somewhere. Upon reflection, this makes no sense whatsoever to me. The physics were not explained, but the guy BSed well enough to suck me in. I was driving at the time, running errands before I went to work at medassist. I must've been out of it, or maybe hallucinating. Or maybe I missed something... Nah. I was hallucinating.

Upon further reflection... Insomniac Inquisition... the earlier definition was much too vague, and it would encompass 97% of what is written here. Let me refine it a little: Really Weird thoughts caused by sleeplessness. That should make things a little clearer.

Karen and I got to talk briefly when I came home and before she went to work. We're putting off the Doggie issue for a while...

I've been awake Way too long. Enough of this!