The essential pain of humanity.

Most of the time I can ignore it. Most of the time we can all ignore it. But sometimes, it's impossible to ignore.

The look of an injured child, who realizes that it's parents can't keep it from hurting. The utter desperation and disappointment.

The look of a wife whose husband is in critical condition with a myocardial infarct. The look of a wife whose husband has just died.

The look on my wife's face when she thought I was going to die.

It is a part of my daily life. Watching people in distress, people crying out for help. In many cases I can help them, and we collectively can help them. But any help that we give them is by necessity temporary. At the most, we can extend their lives, heal their wounds. But there will come a day when they are beyond that. When we are all beyond that.

The essential pain, not of death, but the knowledge of death.

For many of us, our own deaths hold no fear. One must accept the fact of the personal cessation of life, or one will have that fear always. A coward dies many deaths, the brave but one. What I fear is the deaths of my loved ones. My wife, my children, my grandchildren. Their pain has the power to hurt me, while my pain is acceptable. They have not seen death in the way that I have, both as a medical professional and as a patient on the edge of death. Their pain is not acceptable to me.

It is not easy to find humor in death, but it is sometimes necessary for those of us who are surrounded by it. It is better to laugh when the alternative is to cry. It is easy to ignore other people's pain, especially if you do not know them. The grief of a stranger, no matter how pathetic, is nothing compared to the grief of a loved one.

But sometimes, the humor and the avoidance don't work. That's where I'm at right now. It just seems to be too much to handle. Why, why, why. Why them, why me, why is the world this way?

No, I haven't started drinking again. I'm still taking my Prozac. There has been no single incident that started me thinking about this; it just has built up to the breaking point. Hopefully, the catharsis of writing this down will help, and I believe that it is. The main problem is, there is no solution. I must get back to the acceptance of things the way that they are. Ignoring the pain. Pretending that it doesn't hurt, trying to laugh. Helping when I can, and not thinking about it the rest of the time.

Sorry to be so sober on a Monday morning. Tomorrow will be lighter, I promise.