Paybacks are hell. What goes around, comes around. Whatever trite little saying fits... anyway, I got my ass kicked last night. I should not've said what I said yesterday! I take it back! Please! I was inundated with patients last night (not just me, of course) and had a really hard time keeping up & keeping everyone happy. Don't get me wrong, I like working hard... for a couple of hours maybe. But twelve-hour nights at this pace... it seems like I get this feeling every time I get near the end of my seven-days on. I'm just TARD! And I start thinking, "I'm getting too old for this". And then I get rested up & do some fishing and I'm ready to go again. I really love my job and the people that I work with. And I really need those seven days away, too.

Willa has put a link to my journal on her links page, & I'm really tickled pink!

A friend of mine, Eileene is meeting her family in Wichita today where her father is having a heart cath done. She asked me to look after & feed her cat if something unexpected occurs. I very much hope that it doesn't, and if I weren't an atheist I'd pray for her & hers. As it is, I wish her & hers the best.

Speaking of Eileene & cats, it seems that the people that I love the most love cats. And, conversely, people whom I dislike don't like cats. I usually don't ask people about their pets unless I like them, and I find out from other people that the people I don't like don't like cats. Some people don't like any kind of animals. They usually don't like people, either, including me. Which means that I usually don't like them, either.

Wow. I tend to ramble on after I've worked six or seven nights, don't I? Well, it's almost over. One more twelve-hour night, four hours at Med-assist, then I'm free for six days.

Then back for another seven. It just never ends, does it? Well, I don't want it to just yet, anyway!

Unable to crash, just sitting here thinking...

How much my perspectives have changed in my lifetime, especially these last thirteen years.

Changing from a constant drunk to a person of (sometimes difficult) sobriety. A whole different way of looking at the world.

Changing from a carefree(?) bachelor to a happily married man. Such an easy change following the move to sobriety. Such a wonderful change, but such a big change. I know that there are many happy marriages out there, but I feel that Karen and I are the happiest, quite simply because I can't imagine anyone else possibly being happier!

Changing from a man who thought he was still young with plenty of life left in front of him to a man who realizes his mortality; the first coronary was a real wake-up call. One of the indications of the changes that were wrought in my psyche is my attitude toward dentists and pain in general. Ever since I was a kid and a well-meaning (I assume) dentist "hypnotized" me instead of using a local anesthetic, I've been deathly afraid of dentists. I found one who was sympathetic enough, but I still dreaded the next appointment as soon as I made it. That all changed with my heart attack; dentists and pain are part of life, and I accept them complacently, knowing there is no alternative.

Changing from a person who thought he had few friends to one who knows that a lot of people like him; this was a big one. When you almost die, people let you know that they love you. This should be more of a constant thing, and I strive to let the people that I love know it. It made me feel so good when I saw how many people cared and were happy that I was still alive...it probably helped me heal faster and better!

Prozac. Talk about a change. It's not evident, even to the people who know me best. I hid my depression as well, if not better, than I hid my alcoholism. The changes from clinical depression to well-being are just as dramatic as from drinking to sobriety. Again, a whole new world.

There was a six-year hiatus between coronaries; this was long enough for me to forget some of the lessons I had learned. I felt that I had this heart thing licked, I was OK, I didn't need to worry or even be concerned with my health. Ha!

I feel that I gained a great deal of humility from the last one, and my recent health problems in general. Reduced to the basics, we are all mortal, and very tender. We all hurt, some of us all of the time. We all deal with our physical and psychic pain in different ways, of course. Some of these ways are very destructive. I used to think that the basic drives for living were sex, food and power and all of the permutations thereof. Now I believe that every action that we take is to escape pain in some form or another. Or, perversely, to seek pain. Pleasure, as the opposite of pain, has many forms also.

Every action, as an escape from pain, is inherently selfish. The need to satisfy our egos with humanitarian actions leads us to help others... so we can feel good about ourselves. Which is almost the same as *not* feeling bad about ourselves.

The love that I have for Karen is selfish. I want her to love me, and only by loving her the best that I know will guarantee that happening. Well, there are no guarantees, but you get the drift, right? I do that because it makes me feel good and satisfies my ego to have such a wonderful person love me.

The love that I have for Lacee is selfish, too. For the same reasons as above.

I have not been able to think of a single human action that cannot be perceived as selfish at some level. Anyone out there got any ideas?

But I digress.

Every change in perception that I have had has brought me closer to happiness and maybe even wisdom. I want my next change to be that of a smoker changing to a non-smoker... although I'll probably be a rabid-nasty anti-smoker when I get the opportunity!

Thanx for listening to my rambling!