...Always a drunk.

I guess that I had to prove that to myself again.

About three weeks ago, I again "fell off of the wagon". It started with one drink, then rapidly progressed to the point where I was drinking two quarts of Jack Black every three days. Yesterday when I got up I had drunk about a pint before we finished the first pot of coffee. Karen had been completely unaware of this of course (I know how to hide the liquor) and I talked to her about it & poured the rest of the bottle out.

I love the taste of straight whisky, drink it straight out of the bottle. None of this sissy mixing for ME! Oh, no! Besides, it's easier to just hide the bottle...

I believe that depression is the root cause of alcoholism, at least for me. About six weeks ago I quit taking my Prozac, because there was nothing depressing going on in my life. Depression, however, is a brain chemical imbalance, and it has nothing to do with depressing things in lives. It's simply chemistry. People who are depressed, at least in my case, are not "depressed about something", they're essentially sick because their brains tell them so. Prozac and similar drugs make that not happen.

When I'm exhibiting alcoholic behavior, I'm self-medicating. The alcohol masks the depression to the point where it is bearable, at least. My physician told me that I could continue on Prozac forever, it wouldn't hurt me any, or I could stop and probably feel no difference whatsoever. I think that I proved him wrong.

The only question I have at this point is: what was my motivation for quitting Prozac? Was it just stupidity, or was that little part of my brain that craves alcohol telling me to quit? Either answer, or maybe another, points out that I should stay on the Prozac. For the rest of my life. And I will. Sobriety is my choice, and what I believe in.

Enough of that!

Yesterday and today were fun. Karen & I and Kim and Lacee took off with Karen driving due to my not being sober enough to drive. We tried a couple of times to call Bill and Lenora on the cell phone, since they're on the way, but no luck. We checked into the motel and found that we had a pool view from our balcony on the second floor. Lacee and Karen went swimming after Kim and Karen had had a couple of drinks (free) and Kim & I sat and watched them. I was drinking regular coffee, also free (which I regretted later, no, not the free part, the REGULAR part). We got ahold of Leora finally and set up a meet at the Rock Bottom Brewery. It was rather disappointing, took a long time to get seated and a long time to get served. Lacee was not behaving well by this time, unfortunately, and by the time we were ready to go she was determined not to go with Bill & Leora. To make a long story short, we all four wound up staying at the motel.

Bill has a new job with Gateway as a technical phone rep, he's still in training but really looking forward to getting to work. I think he'll do really well at it, he's enjoying it already.

It had rained all night, with some spectacular lightning. I enjoy storms, but I remembered that I'd left my system on, so I got to worry about that also.

We all went to bed about 22:30, but the caffeine got to me finally, I was awake until 04:00. And no computer to play on and no books to read because I'd forgotten my glasses!

We had the free breakfast after we got up around 08:00. Pretty good stuff for free. Then Kim and Lacee went swimming. About noon, we checked out & headed for Oak Park Mall. Lacee rode on the merry-go-round while Karen & Kim took turns with her. I went wandering off to look for a trolling motor and they promised me they wouldn't leave the carrousel. When I got back, of, course, they were gone. I messed around a while in Dillards, pricing Levis, then went to the Electronics Boutique. They had an UPS (uninterruptible Power Supply) on sale for 1/3 off, so I got it. Finally met the girls back at the carrousel. (They had "just left for a minute!") we were starting to get hungry again, so we hit the Paradise Cafe. The service was great, and our waitress was a cute little blonde girl wearing a very short skirt. As she was leaning over cleaning the table opposite of us, I made the comment to Karen that I didn't think that she was wearing any panties. Karen was *not* amused. I was, though!

Lacee laid down in the booth while we were chowing down and promptly went to sleep. This changed our plans somewhat. The girls were planning on doing the Mall some more, and carrying Lacee around was not conducive to this scheme. It fit right in with mine, however. Going home! So we loaded up & headed out; I was hoping to find the Sears outlet store across from the mall, but either it was gone or I was looking in the wrong place.

So, back to Topeka. Due to the forced continence Sunday night, I seduced Karen shortly after we got in the door. Our lovemaking seems to get better and better as our love continues to grow. I hope that neither stop! And I have taken steps to insure that they won't...

Fishing tomorrow again, but first some chores, like getting the car tags and several other mundane things.

Enough for now!